Something better happen quick!

I used to be such a carefree guy- I could spend a night happy, with no strange, ominous or sad thoughts, with my friends. However, in the wake of a few funerals and the biggest transition I'll probably ever have to make close in sight, It's no wonder I'm becoming a little existential.

Whenever I used to think about death, I used to have all of these little coincidences I would remember and "prove" to me the existence of god, and therefore, of a heaven. For example, I listened to a band called Lectrolux, then the next day found an "Electrolux" vacuum in my house. Another time, I was listening to "Like a Stone" by Audioslave while I was sitting in the car, and as I looked out the window during the guitar solo, cars were coming by exactly to the tune of the guitar. Then, one day I found a list of schools an abandoned notebook that was identical to the list of schools I was applying to. After these experiences, I thought god had "proven" to me that he was there for me.

Now, as I realize that I have aged somewhat, these thoughts no longer assuage, and whenever I think of death, especially of how close it really is, I am overcome with images of eternal sleep, dirt, and blackness.

And that scares the SHIT out of me.

What's worse is that the malaise that comes with these feelings just doesn't go away. Constantly tugging on the back of my mind are these dark, hopeless thoughts that do nothing but give me stomachaches. I try everything -- setting goals, calling friends, listening to happy music... things that once comforted me and made me feel special -- things that once helped me feel better but now only serve as minor distractions.

I need to find or do something that makes me feel as if life isn't just the time you spend waiting to die, that I have some purpose or task I have to do.

Maybe I just need to get my ass off the computer.