A cold, the green kind

EXPLICIT CONTENT- NOT TO BE READ BY NORMAL PEOPLE

"Thoughts" seems to be less exciting lately, and I realize why- my thinker is clogged. The damn thing is backed up with snot. I had a cold, gave it to my brother, and once I got over it, he gave it right back to me. So as you can guess, this blog post is me describing my cold in great detail because, well, it's the only thing I can think about.

It came over me slowly, hours at a time. First, just a rattle in my nose. Then, firm nasal pressure, and finally, darkness. I didn't realize until the first morning when I took a deep inhale through the schnoz, and instead of a breath, I took a gulp. That day was not the worst. Without any nose blowing at all, my nasal passages would swell with clear fluid, clear up, then swell again. I took a NyQuil this first night and I was fine.

The next morning it was not my nose that was stuffy. I felt like Giles Corey, an unbearable pressure placed on my chest. I took a deep cough; nothing seemed wrong and I went on my way. My nose welled with fluid and I blew it for the first time that morning: clear, thin fluid. Except for the 90 decibel nasal clarion call, there was nothing to be worried about. I spent that day, like the first, breathing somewhat fine, only this time with the occasional honk.

The third morning something was different. I woke again with the same chest pressure, only this time, I did not just cough -- I choked. There was something in me, a presence rumbling in my trachea. I tried breathing through my nose. Another change... my brain processed a putrid smell. I opened my window to clear the air, when I realized this smell was coming not from some strange emitter in my room; it was coming from inside of me. I blew my nose and out came the rankest, greenest mucus I had ever seen in my life. Instead of an alleviation of the pressure in my nose, my sinuses immediately re-filled with fluid. Instead of clearing them again, I went on with them stuffed so I would not have to smell the hideous odor. That day, I instinctively tried to blow my nose, but the effort was mostly futile. That evening I enjoyed the last meal I could taste, the last smell I could smell.

That night was the first night in which my cough and cold medicine did not clear my nose, so I tried breathing through my mouth. For two hours I forced my body to breathe in this manner, but when I was taken by sleep, I snapped back to my instincts and snorted through my honker.

The fourth morning was the climax of my troubles. I woke up with a splitting headache, centered right in between my eyes. My chest felt like it contained a lead weight, and my nose was as swollen as a broken toe. I put a Kleenex to my face and blew- nothing came out, yet my nasal passages were still blocked. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to run into the bathroom; neither my mouth nor my nose would take in any oxygen. I choked, coughed and sputtered into the toilet. A whooping, bubbling cough permeated through the house, and after minutes of crying and spitting, I gazed, lightheaded, at what I had procured. Brown and green gobs of sputum sat in front of my eyes. The pressure was gone, but the cough remained -- I went through the day choking, crying and spitting in between each tissue blare.

The fifth day, yesterday, began exactly the same as the fourth. However, this time fluid came out of my trumpet- a thick, yellow pudding of bacteria and pus. I spent the day at the beach, and though my nose cooperated and stayed fairly clear, my sense of smell had dissipated, my sense of taste was gone, my coughs were full of gunk. When I arrived home I was so exhausted from coughing and taking shallow breaths that I passed out, sans NyQuil, at 8PM.

This morning, I expectorated more than I had ever expectorated before. Entire colonies of rhinovirus were laid to rest that morning, and instead of praying for them, I flushed them. I blew my nose, still yellow and fetid. I've been a one man symphony since this morning, blowing, snorting, spitting and choching (that's an onomatopoeia, pronounced with a Jewish CH as in Chanukkah). Starting at around noon, however, both my snot and my sputum have been turning white. The smell is still awful, the taste in my mouth is still gone, and my sinuses still hurt, but the pressure in my chest and nose is almost gone, my coughs have become less rattly, and my nose doesn't feel like a water balloon. Though I have no doubt that I will have a coughing fit tomorrow, I think with some hot tea and Tylenol I will beat this cold.

If you've made it here, thank you for embarking on this journey with me. I hope it wasn't as miserable for you as it was for me.