Graduating, AP Scores, etc

I'm finally done with everything and I don't know how much I like this. I'm really excited for college, but I feel kind of empty, like I'm never going to see any of my friends again.

I don't know. One of the few people I actually want to see again won't return my texts so I'm guessing we're done talking too, so whatever, time to move on, blah blah blah.

In more awesomely awesome news, I, Ryan Loser/Tool Chukwuebuka called the AP people today and got my scores. Instead of actually telling you them because there's someone out there who'll say "YOU ARROGANT PRICK, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D ACTUALLY TELL THEM TO ME," I'm going to give verbal representations, inspired my UChicago friend Kirsten.

AP Studio Art

First Reaction: "Isn't this the grade they give you as long as you finish all of your pieces? Yeah, it is. Well, uh, at least I passed... or something"

AP Economics

WOO, I knew I wouldn't let you down, Mr. Gofman. Please stop calling me gay now... Oh wait, I graduated.

AP US Government

I told you I'd do it Ms. Foy... I can't f*cking believe you made me do all of that work to "boost my grade" after this and still give me an 82 for the quarter. I ain't gettin no respect.

AP English Lit

I mean I told everyone this was what I was getting. I still get credit so it's fine.

AP Italian

(Tries to recall an italian word) Hmm... "Rino, non shpudamai in terra!" Wait, that's not italian, that's some whacko dialect. No wonder this is what I got, the teacher didn't even teach me how to speak the damn language.

AP Calculus BC

MS HAGLER I LOVE YOU! :D:D

AP Physics B

WHHATTT? "If you would like to rehear your score, press nine." *presses nine* "If you would like to rehear your score, press nine." *presses nine* "If you would like t-" *presses nine.* No one thinks it's that great that I got this one because they're all like "Ryan, you wanna be a physics major and stuff." But if you had seen my confidence level during the test, or seen a copy of my answer sheet, you'd beg to differ; I left 10 multiple choice out, and instead of doing the last problem I wrote an essay about how my physics teacher left me grossly underprepared for the test. I guess miracles do happen.

Observe as I use Quantum Mechanics to do stuff

So I have no idea how neurons work. I want to be a physics major, not a brain surgeon, anyway... but if this is completely wrong, whatever. Sue me.

To begin, from what I learned from being a jerkoff in AP Bio last year, the brain is like a network of electrical signals, where thoughts and signals are created when electrical impulses are fired through the neurons via chemical ions travelling through little nanotubes, yadda yadda etc ad infinitum.

BUT WHERE THE HELL DOES IT ALL START?

Why do I worry about things? How is it that when I want to recall something, I just can? It seems all too good to be true - Your brain, technically just an advanced machine with loads of little wires, can just do stuff? Whenever it wants? That's like saying your computer, once it's on, can just do anything it wants when it's on. Literally, the same thing. So why is it that we can think, that we have free will?

Well, according to me, we don't. That's why.

When I think of these neurons firing, the first thing I think of is electricity. When I think of electricity, I think of differences in charge, and when I think about charges, I think about electrons and protons... and when I think about electrons, I think about the probability involved in quantum mechanics.

So therefore, there are electrons floatin' around in your brain. Thanks to Heisenberg, you wouldn't be able to know where they are or how fast they're moving, just that they're there. And if you ask me, that's free will for ya... there is none

In less convoluted words, thought is the most random thing possible because it relys completely on quantum mechanics and the random movements of ions in your head. Sure, one random fire can cause a whole chain of thought, but

Fuck it, I have no idea how to explain any of this shit. But I know what I'm saying. If you don't like it, stop reading.

Here We Go Again

Today was the opposite of yesterday, making it the same as two days ago.

King of the Nerds

Today was the opposite of yesterday.

Hypocrite

I am the world's biggest hypocrite. Serously.

Since freshman year, I was the bubbly, happy person, bouncing around classrooms, making jokes and taunting teachers. I watched as my peers succumbed to pressures, got together, broke up, complained, angsted, and all of these things.

Being unable to relate, I criticized.
"You just want attention." "There's no such thing as angst." "Teenage depression is just your yearning for attention."

After a sudden change, they are the ones with the last laugh.

Today, I woke up at 8. I layed in my bed until 10, plagued with the worst stomachache I've ever had. Thinking I could make it go away by forgetting about it, I showered then drove to school. I returned home and sat on the computer. I sat there for four hours doing nothing but checking my facebook and sitting. At 4 I broke up with my girlfriend. I then went to tell her best friend. At 7 I went to dinner, but of course, no appetite. I had three dumplings, came home and vomited. I tried watching Forrest Gump but instead curled on the floor of the bathroom in a fetal position. I will be going to bed soon.

I need some help, please.

Erngh

I lost my appetite a week ago, it has not come back yet.

It started in my mouth. I could no longer find pleasure in the taste of a hamburger. After finishing the meal, a taste I once loved was so repulsive to me that I had to wash my mouth out.

It moved through my esophagus and down through my stomach. My once hearty desire for food withered away and I was overcome with a feeling of emptiness. The feeling wasn't a hunger emptiness- I needed nourishment from something I still don't comprehend.

The feeling continued- even the thought of food made my gastrointestinal tract begin to ache and my intestines convulse as my body stated simply "I will no longer take in food."

Is this some growing up sickness or anxiety or something?

He gazed into the mirror at the gargantuan blemish. It was right in the center of the forehead; a pulsating third eye, staring back into his soul, and, at an inch across, the largest pimple he had ever seen, let alone had. He grasped it between his two pointer fingers. He could smell the fetid pus, feel it sloshing around inside of his face.

With a grunt, he squeezed. Nothing. He squeezed again, nothing. A third time, with two fingers on each hand, and out came a small river of dirt, yellowing from contact with the air. Another squeeze. More goo eminated from the beacon; another push, more pus. Then, with four fingers on each hand he squeezed, pushing ever tighter - A coil of white ooze collected on his fingertips.

He pushed even harder; the cream was turning red. For a second, a block up, then hard, white chunks came out, yet harder and harder he pushed. Out came fragments of his skull, his two eyes, his nose. Out came both his ears, then his brain, heaped up on the sink like a plate of spaghetti. Then came his spinal cord, the rest of his skull, then one by one his vertebrae exited the hole. He wouldn't stop squeezing; following his spine were his ribs and pelvis, the rest of his skeleton; his blood vessels, hooked on a piece of exposed bone, came next and blood began pouring out of the aperture. His esophagus, stomach, and feet upon feet of intestine followed and spewed out of the hole, until after minutes and minutes of squeezing his heart and lungs escaped the opening.

He would not stop squeezing; tiles began shooting out of the hole, and floorboards... Toothbrushes, pipes, glass windows came next. His appliances shot out of the hole, then pieces of the roof, the concrete foundation; his entire house, and soon the very land his home had stood on shot out. Mud and dirt from the surrounding property was sucked under and then blasted from the pimple until the surrounding houses were all engulfed and spat out. The entire town and surrounding villages were not spared from the destruction, and it wasn't long until the entire state had been eaten and regurgitated, but he still would not stop squeezing. Lava from the center of the earth was cooled by the ocean waters and frozen columns of solidified rock rose ever higher; thin strands of what was once earth lay like pickup sticks in the sky.

Ignoring the cries of the asphyxiating people, he still squeezed with all his strength. The moon stretched and stretched, its gravity trying to fight the force of the pimple, but it too was sucked in and spewed out. The planets began to rumble and the sun began to tilt; everything shook and pulsated until the entire solar system gave in. Harder he squeezed, harder. Proxima and Alpha Centauri felt the pull suddenly and spiraled, still orbiting each other, into the hole. The surrounding stars and soon the entire galaxy lay victim to the pimple's pull - the force had even caused some to nova as they were sucked up - the pimple was now an enormous and brilliant light of what once was. Andromeda, speeding towards the entity, was no match for its destructive force and was effortlessly drawn into it. Further galaxies could not resist the force themselves and were dragged in behind, leaving bright trails of gas as they sped along. After a few minutes of squeezing, The outer limits of the universe came rocketing in; even the expansion of the walls of the universe couldn't stop from being sucked in and spaghettified out.

He peered at the black hole and resulting quasar.

"Damn. I should wash my face more often."

Graduating and what comes next

Inner Turmoil

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Google Analytics

It's pretty stalkerish but I can see the locations of all of my readers (not their IP addresses or anything sneaky)
And I seem to have a regular reader from Singapore.
So if you're there, Hi!

Being Forgotten

It's happening more and more often lately and it's starting to get on my nerves-
I look through pictures and see all of my friends together having a great time
-or-
I read my friends twitter updates and they read something along the lines of "had a great time last night"

Why does this annoy me?
I am not in those pictures.
I did not have a great time the night before.
I wasn't even there...
I wasn't even invited.

Maybe I'm expecting too much from my friendships but you'd probably feel the same way if people you were sure you were good friends with hung out without you all the time.
ALL the time.
Literally.
Like, every weekend.

Whatever, I've got to go. I have a hundred parties, sixty movies and ten broadway shows to not get invited to.

Be Grateful, Prick.

TYPES OF ARROGANT PEOPLE, AS OBSERVED BY ME, RYAN AWESOMEBAUM

The Innately Arrogant.
This is the person who does stuff other people consider good, then either brags about it, mentions it subliminally, or acts as if it was no big deal. This person has his or her arrogance built in and the most they can do to suppress it is to check their words before they say them. No amount of warning can un-arrogant this person and others just have to deal with it.
(I think I fall under this category, because at this point every time I open my mouth someone calls me arrogant, whether what I said was actually arrogant or not)

The Aggrandized Self Image
This is the person who thinks they are better than they actually are. This is the person who gets a 1000 on their SATs and then tries to convince people they're going to Yale, the pitcher with a 8-10 record in high school who tries to walk on a Division 1 baseball team, or the person who thinks they could be on America's next top model just because they fit into a size 00. People like this will answer "why?" with "Because I'm me" or do irrational or presumptuous things and justify it with their inflated confidence. These people are those in need of a "reality check."

The Disappointed
The Disappointed are very similar to the Aggrandized Self Image- the only difference is how vocal about their own accomplishments they are. These are the people who place second, become a co- or vice- position, people who accomplish great things but cannot help but think they could have done better. While the Aggrandized Self Image who think they are the best from the beginning, the Disappointed are just what they sound like- disappointed that they had to settle for the best, and not the VERY best. These people simply need convincing that they are the best that they can be; their arrogance is the least severe.

The Underconfident
These people are the ones that piss me off the most because I think they are the most annoying. The underconfident are the people who begin every detail about themsleves with "it's not that good" or "I could have done better" or "it's not the best." This is as if Picasso finished the Guernica and said "eh, this isn't THAT good." These people are innately arrogant people, but instead of trying to censor themselved, they try to mask their arrogance with negative comments. These people can either be told that they are as good people others say they are, or completely ignored as they often solely want attention.

I think I've covered the main ones.