Saturday, December 18, 2010

Lunch

Here's a really fun game I learned back when I was first visiting colleges. It's called:

PUT STUFF IN RAMEN UNTIL IT TASTES GOOD

Step 1: Open up cup noodles
Step 2: Wash off the chicken stock and frozen vegetables
Step 3: Add boiling water and stir.
Step 4: Drain water when ramen is of edible consistency.
Step 5: Look into cabinet and refrigerator for stuff that might taste good. Scratch your head.
Step 6: Put stuff in ramen until it tastes good.
Step 7: Eat!
Step 8: If it tastes good, you win!

Winning combinations:
Ramen, mustard, hot sauce, tuna, salt, pepper
Ramen, vegetable broth, over easy egg
Ramen, olive oil, garlic powder, butter
Ramen, ragu
Eating it the way you're supposed to

Friday, December 10, 2010

The US is alright

I mean the government is horrible and so is its citizens and infrastructure and everything about it, but i mean on the whole it's an alright place to be.

THE US SUCKS

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Nothing to say but saying a lot

Does anyone else feel like they've been eaten by their computer? My mind seems to be melting out of my ears. I think in 140 character status updates. I study in 20 minute intervals padded with 2 hour facebook sessions. I don't know if what I'm like on the computer is what I'm like in real life. I really enjoy staring blankly at nothing important. I get angry at things that don't affect me. I really like knit sweaters. If I had a role model, I would say it was Matt Schantz. I rarely focus on particulars; solely on the wider scope. Some people like things about me that I don't like about me. I would rather do nothing than something most of the time. If I put too much thought into something, I start to feel like it isn't worth thinking about anymore. I'm afraid you're going to read this and think I'm going insane. Sometimes I think I'm going insane but I'm probably not. Chances are you're going to read this and not think anything at all. Chances are higher that you aren't going to read this.

I fucking hate midterms

Thursday, September 2, 2010

WHAT THE FUCK

I just had a dream so vivid and so real seeming that now that I'm awake, I'm highly skeptical as to what is real and what is not.

The dream starts the night after I got back from COOP. We're all together sleeping over in some room in my Long Island house, and I dream that I really had to go to the bathroom and peed on the floor, while a bunch of busts of me dressed in cowboy attire that were alive looked on and discussed with me. I wake up the next morning with the same group of people and sigh with relief that this was only a dream. However, it turns out the dream I had just had was also had by everyone else, and soon I was outcast for having had that dream (somehow I covered everyone in pee.) I got really heated over the whole thing because people kept bringing it up. The rest of the time after this, it is completely ambiguous as to whether this part was a dream or real. We then went straight to a bar, because apparently we were pregaming for a formal with spaghetti and beer in plastic mugs at 5 in the morning (the sun does not come up the entire dream). My sister shows up and it turns out that what is a fried chicken restaurant (where we are eating) is also a chinese restaurant that serves rubbery blue hippo heads flavored like pop tarts. I shuffle between her table and mine, each time the pile of food on my table is higher and changes slightly, the room slowly changes to look like a residence hall lounge, and each time I question whether or not I could be dreaming and decided that it's impossible. I test this by pinching myself, which I feel. Also, some foreboding reports of the chance of cops breaking up this underaged beer drinking fest and of some organization trying to destroy the world through acts that seem like environmentalism (CORE was their name, which stood for something something Hydrogen Enrichment [the R stood for Hydrogen]) but are actually deadly. I have a really loud argument with someone based on the dream and suddenly a CORE agent gets very suspicious of me. The police chief comes in and instead of breaking up the gathering, brings up my "incident" of prior. My grandmother walks in to make fun of me for wearing a hat to the police chief, who has become the waiter at the restaurant. My brother then walks in, high fives me and walks on. Overwhelmed and terrified by the amount of strange occurrences, I leave the restaurant which has become my dorm room. I decide it would be best to walk to the formal. I feel my face, slap my arm, and look around some more, and ultimately decide that as weird as everything is, I was experiencing that moment so vividly that it had to be real. I started walking, and one of my friends came to walk with me, consoling me part of the way, when a homeless man we walked passed turns into a CORE agent, whips out two shotguns, and chases us as I hum "In Da Club" by 50Cent in order to keep my wits about me. Realizing I must have been dreaming the whole time after the weird occurrences, I stop running and wake up in the passenger seat of a moving car on the same street. Everything seems fine, until another CORE agent runs in front of the car to stop us. He pulls out two guns and the brakes of the car are slammed by the driver. I fly out of the windshield, float in the air, take the scene in. I realize, finally, that everything after the dream in my house, must have been a dream, and I wake up in the reality I'm in now and type this blog post.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Monday, July 12, 2010

Chill with this wave

Chillwave is pretty good until you realize that you can make the same thing with a bunch of 80s Cassettes and some freeware.

Presenting:


Both by Ryan Mandelbaum. Get 'em, Hit 'em.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Difting Apart

What's the deal with people drifting apart in college? It's like "Hey I'm your friend!" and then they're not!

Monday, June 28, 2010

The Best Day of My Life


Last week was the worst day of my life. I had a shitty day at work and all I wanted was some Taco Bell, so I ordered my favorite- a Crunchwrap Supreme. Upon receiving it, I was handed nothing more than a wrap- my CWS was neither crunchy nor supreme. There was no crunch, no lettuce, no tomato, and the sour cream tasted like yogurt. I promptly emailed the Taco Bell Customer Service Site detailing this experience as ironically and as Ryan Mandelbaum-y as possible. This is what I received in the mail today. IN THE MAIL. LIKE, AN ACTUAL LETTER.

June 25th, 2010
Ryan Mandelbuam
----------------- Avenue
----------, NY, 1----

Dear Ryan Mandelbaum,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your experience at Taco Bell. Comments from our customers are very important to us, and we appreciate yours.

At Taco Bell, we strive to ensure that all of our restaurants meet every customer's expectations. So when a valued customer like you takes the time to contact us, we take it seriously. For this reason, I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate team members in order to help us toward continuous improvement.

Once again, thank you for your comments. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience you may have experienced. (Begin best day ever) WE HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT THE ENCLOSED COUPON AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION FOR YOUR COMMENTS. We look forward to welcoming you back to the great taste of Taco Bell.

Sincerely,
Alwin (that's how it's spelled on the letter)
Guest Service Representative

We Care!

VALID GUEST COUPON
ONE FREE ITEM OF YOUR CHOICE




YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


Sunday, June 27, 2010

Definitive Proof of NNNNGGGHHH

This is what our world has come to.

DUDE YOU GOT MAAAAD BALLS


Why on earth would Jelly Belly sell an entire bag solely composed of the worst flavor of Jelly Beans?


AWWWWW YEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Definitive proof of not god

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs094/en/

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_net_worth_of_soulja_boy

Friday, June 25, 2010

Definitive Proof of God

1. Justify human existence without God
2. Justify human existence with God

or for you physics types

1. Explain the Universe without God
2. Explain the Universe with God


3. Apply Occam's Razor

Monday, June 14, 2010

Germany 7 and last

Today was my last full day in Deutschland, albeit a successful one.

Observation 25.
You know those crutches that hook around your arms and that you automatically associate with a born disability, like the one Jimmy from south park uses? In Germany, if you have even the slightest limp, you use those.

Observation 26.
For the best, most fit people in the world, Hitler, you Germans sure do have a crap-ton of deformities

Observation 27.
Have you ever noticed that the harder you look for something, once you find it, the more common it becomes? (ie, I had two bratwursts today)

Alright, so, remember that the last time I slept was 3PM yesterday.
I got back from the lab this morning, downed two cups of coffee, and took a fifteen minute nap. Apparently this can make one feel alert for a long period of time- it made me feel caffeinated and tired at the same time. Anyway, I took the bus to the trains station ("Hauptbahnhof") and after fumbling with the German ticket machine and ultimately getting some help from the attendant, I was on the 9:30 train to Worms (with a change at Mannheim- kind of like changing at Jamaica). I always assumed the tourist helper/travel agent people at the train stations were supposed to speak English, but when I arrived at Worms Hbf, the woman didn't speak a lick of it. She did know the word for "map" though so that was okay. Anyway, I had decided that I would plan my trip for Worms once I got a map, and since this map was terrible, I did no planning. I was pretty sad but decided I'd have to start somewhere, so I found the Jewish Cemetery (the oldest Jewish Cemetery in Europe, mind you) and walked around, said some prayers, etc. I couldn't read any individual graves (they were all in Yiddish and/or Hebrew) but I could tell that they were damn old. The one grave I did see was the oldest one in the cemetery- from 1070AD.

After that, I kind of wandered towards the main cathedral when I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a colorful sheet of paper with lots of notes on it. Proud of me for being so respectful at his house of worship, I'm pretty sure G-d himself placed it there- a full color map of Worms, complete with two walking tour routes of the city, labels for the twenty attractions, and facts about all twenty. Made my day far more enjoyable.

Before I talk about seeing the City, let me talk about the city itself. Worms is really old and has some fantastic pieces of architecture. However, there is almost no context as all the buildings are built in completely different styles. Heidelberg has an "old city," and even though all of the buildings are from post 1750, they have a theme that ties them together, one that even the modern buildings try to either match or back down from. In Worms, people just built whatever, wherever, so you have a mess of architectural styles, mostly gross modern Walter Gropius apartment buildings that make most of the city look kind of like Central American slums. In addition, the only way I think I can describe Worms is in comparison to Heidelberg- Heidelberg is classy, Worms is trashy. Both cities take pride in their culture, but while Heidelberg tries to fit in with it, shape it, and apply it, Worms flaunts it- it only matters to them that they are "Germany's Oldest City;" they don't care about what it is that makes them the oldest. Lets make an American comparison. If Heidelberg is an auto show, Worms is a NASCAR event. Also, in general, the people in Worms are either mullet-bedecked or hair straightened cigarette smoking teenagers, dark old fat people, and deformed adults. Not a single pretty blond-haired German college girl in sight.

Not to say I didn't enjoy the town; I loved it. I just wanted to point this out.

Anyway, my tour took me all about the town- mostly to places where Martin Luther went, thought, and spoke during the Diet of Worms. These were fairly uninteresting since most of these sites have since been replaced by modern monuments and because I think Martin Luther was a huge asshole. Anyway, then I got to some of the real interesting parts- before WWII, Worms had a very large Jewish population and an extraordinarily old synagogue dating from the 1030s. Though most of the Jeiwsh Quarter ("Judengasse") was destroyed during Krystallnacht, after the war the stones and debris was used to rebuild the quarter which now serves as a sort of modern museum. The synagogue itself also has an extremely old mikvah (pool used for spiritual and religious purposes, kind of like a baptismal font) and some relics from before it was destroyed the first time. After seeing the temple (which has a memorial in it for Worms' holocaust victims attempting to name all of them, fyi) and saying a prayer for the dead, I went off to see some more of the city. The tour took me to a few monasteries dating from the 1400s, the Nibelungen bridge (with a really wacky looking tower, look it up), past one of very few Renaissance-era buildings still privately owned, and onto the town hall. Also, the entire thing led along the Old town wall, parts of which date back to the Roman Era, but most of which have been reused as parts of homes or museums and stuff.

The tour ended with the Cathedral, built in the Romanesque style in the 12th century. It was gorgeous- built in stone, and the altar was about the size of my house and all gold. There were loads of stone reliefs on the walls and the church was so massive, whenever a noise was made it seemed to reverberate to infinity. It was pretty kickass.

Anyway, after seeing the cathedral my feel hurt, it was lunch time, and I felt as like it was time to go to sleep. There was a museum of Worms' history and I didn't want to see it but would have felt guilty if I missed it, but it ended up being closed so I meandered back to the Hbf, grabbed a pretzel, and passed out on the train. When I arrived back at the Heidelberg Hbf, a bratwurst cart mysteriously appeared on the platform, so I had a massive brat sandwich for only 2 bucks. Even better- the guy started talking to me in German, I looked at him blankly, and then he began to speak Italian. HE THOUGHT I WAS ITALIAN (i think.) Finally, I got to the bus stop and laughed with an old man about how "Deutsch" is "Tedesco" in Italian (he asked me what language I spoke and I was already on a roll so...) since "Tedesco" was the only Italian word he knew (He spoke zero English, I later confirmed) and Deutsch is just about the only German word I know.

Then, instead of going back to the Kernphysikalisches Institut, I decided I would spend my last day in Heidelberg overlooking the city, so I took my bus to the last stop, the aptly named "Königstuhl ("King's Throne"), a 550 meter peak and the tallest mountain in the Neckar River valley. It was a clear day and you could see everything for about 35km- you could even see Worms through the little observer glasses!

So that's about it, and this would be my last journal entry for my trip to Germany. I hope you enjoyed reading it, because I sure as hell enjoyed experiencing it, and maybe next time I leave the country I'll actually have someone to go with so I don't develop a German accent simply because the only person I have to speak to is Dietrich.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Germany 6

Tomorrow I'm going to Worms, and the lab won't be open for me to check my internet when I get back, so I'll probably write Germany 7 either at home in NY or at the airport if there's WiFi. Also, tonight will be my only all nighter- I'm leaving for Worms as soon as I get off of my shift (after taking a 15 minute caffeine nap, that is) as it is about 45 minutes from Heidelberg (sleep is for the weak, G(tb)^2)

Observation 22.
Lots of Germans are really into soccer. Most Germans are really NOT into the Germans who are really into soccer.

Observation 23.
If you own a blue and orange "Education First Credit Union" backpack (I'm looking at you, Emilio) you are American. And it's not like just one person owns it, too. Everyone who is both American and In Germany Right Now owns one.

Observation 24.
Yesterday, one of those little old ladies threw me out of the way because I was waiting to pay for the bus and I guess I was blocking the door. She was strong as hell.


This morning I did like I always do- I set my alarm for 1:15 and went to bed. When I woke up, however, I looked at my clock, and to my horror, it said 3:45. I had set my clock for 1:15AM on accident. I was about to cry. The museum I really wanted to go to closed at 5, I didn't think I'd make it to the store I wanted to go to, and the next bus wouldn't come until 4:45. I kind of freaked out, got dressed in a hurry, and sprinted to the security desk. "Cab! I need to call a cab!" he didn't speak English so I had to phone the main office of the institute. I gave the cab guy directions and made it to the museum at 4:15. I made it to the door, but when I looked in, all the lights were out and there was a sign about something from June 1 to July 1. Apparently, the museum is closed this month. I ran to the store. All German stores are closed on Sunday. I didn't know if I should be really miserable or somewhat relieved, until I looked up. There he was, Perkeo the drunken Italian Dwarf* from the Heidelberg Castle, dancing with a cup of wine in his hand, and emblazoned on a wooden sign above a cafe. He was calling my name. I knew he had some secret hiding up his sleeve*, and I knew that there was a reason why today had happened in that manner*.

It was fucking Bratwurst time.*

I was a little hesitant to sit down at first. After all, this restaurant could just be a breakfast place like the first one. Or maybe it was an Italian restaurant. Maybe I would explode with anticipation the sausage arrived.* I walked in and shakily asked the waitress "Do you have Bratwurst? It's my last day in the city and I have yet to have any German Sausage*" She turned to me and said "of course we have bratwurst!" I almost hugged her with glee. I sat down. Why do I need to look at a menu? I know what I want! Wait, what if I get salami again! I looked, located the Bratwurst on the menu under "Pork Dishes ("Fuck yes this menu is in English")" and before the waitress had even arrived at my table I said "Pfälzisches Bratwurst and a Coffee, please." She must have thought I was crazy. I was crazy. Crazy for goddamn German sausage.*****

The dish arrived shortly after. It was a long, pale link, balanced gently atop a hill of mashed potatoes and a matching hill of sauerkraut. two strips of bacon lie beside masterpiece drizzled with brown gravy, like hot fudge on a banana split. A garnish of lettuce and tomato filled out the final quarter of the plate. I started with the potato- one has to get used to the water before they can jump in- it was fluffy and almost earthy, as if the potato had only recently left the ground. The sauerkraut was tangy, yet crisp- they had made it in the restaurant. Then I got to the sausage. The outside was crisp and snapped as I cut it, the inside was completely uniform (no chunks like other sausages) and tender. Then to the bacon. I knew Germany was known for its pork products- I didn't know that the Bacon would almost outshine the Bratwurst. It was almost fatless and greaseless, and was neither too crispy nor too floppy. It was almost more like Canadian bacon, yet in taste, though it was extremely light and not nearly as overpowering as bacon's flavor tends to be, it was distinctively bacon. I had a forkful of all four elements mixed together. These flavors were made for each other.

I slowly made my way to the end of the meal, taking bites of sausage, then kraut, then bacon, then potato, then all three. I scraped the plate clean, sat back, and smiled. Okay, so maybe I'm kind of exaggerating, but if you know me you know I love to eat, and I think this meal was the closest thing to spiritual ecstasy I have ever achieved, especially after the six days I had to wait for it and the fear I wouldn't have it at all. I topped it off with a glass of beer, and thought back to the name of the meal. Pfälzisches Bratwurst, "Sausage of the Palatinate." My chair became my throne, my beer my goblet, and my waitress my servant. I was Lord of Perkeo's Restaurant and Coffeehouse.

I mean, I did other things to- I walked through the old Jewish quarter and said a prayer on a memorial for the Holocaust victims of Heidelberg (Built on the foundation of a synagogue burned down during Krystallnacht) and walked through a suburb of the town trying to find the other castle in Heidelberg (I failed, it was a mile further away than I thought), but this is German Sausage we're talking about. It deserves a day to itself.



*That's what she said
-it was really hard not to just make this entire post a drawn out sexual innuendo so I typed it up first then inserted *s where necessary

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Germany 5

For some reason I'm absolutely wired right now. No idea why. Also, apparently my professor and all the other professors in the lab were talking about me last night and determined that I must have been super human because they've never seen anyone work the night shift and sightsee simultaneously, and I've done nothing but sightsee apparently. For today's little extra thing I'll put my schedule to show how I've made it work.

Observation 17.
German men don't use cologne or products that make them smell nice (Deoderant? Maybe). Someone I spoke to described how here, men are all about showing off their individual "natural musk." That's fantastic, German men. You all smell like sweaty armpits.

Observation 18.
The people here who own dogs either own German Shepherds, Border Collies, or Huskies (Although I did see this one family with a dog that looked just like Alf). I haven't seen a terrier since I've gotten here.

Observation 19.
German men are generally either fat and sweaty, old and wrinkly, or tall and awkward. They all have gorgeous girlfriends.

Observation (Wikipedia Factoid) 20,
Apparently, 60% of Germans put that they speak English "well" or "very well" on their Census forms. I think the percentage of people speaking English "well" or "very well" is lower in New York City.

Observation 21.
The weather here is ridiculous, but every day the same. It rains extremely hard at night, drizzles in the morning, clears up by noon and is gorgeous until the sun goes down. This works out perfectly with my schedule :)

So about my day, then.
I had been planning today's journey since my third day, I just needed to build up a weeks worth of mental preparation before I did it. I was going to hike all the way up to the top of Heiligenberg, the mountain which defines Eastern Heidelberg's Northern Border. On top of Heiligenberg are some ruin sites, and at its base is one of the most famous streets in all of Heidelberg, the Philosophenweg.

I wasn't that rushed this morning and got myself ready for the hike and took the bus into town. The hike starts with the Philosophenweg, named as such because University of Heidelberg students used to walk along it to do all their pondering, since its view of the city is pretty breathtaking. One thing people kept warning me and that I couldn't quite fathom was just how much uphill I would be walking. It was all fine and I made it to the top of the Philosophenweg and Heiligenberg in an hour or so, and I wasn't all that tired when I was done, until someone told me just how much I had walked- something like two miles. I felt kind of proud of myself but then my legs gave way on hearing it and I had to sit and rest for an hour.
Along the walk there are maybe three stops to view the city at different angles, a biergarden (obviously), and trails that branch off to lead to all the towns around the mountain. The ruins themselves at the top of the trail were pretty cool- there was an old monastery from the 1500s next to which a large (much newer) tower had been built (I felt like Rocky when I got to the top), an enormous amphitheater built under the Third Reich, and on the other side a huge Basilica from 1100 wiith two towers. The amphitheater was pretty cool I guess, until I spoke to some Americans I had done part of the hike with, and one of them excitedly shouted "Can you believe it? The big man himself walked on this stage!" Not wanting to hear Hitler so enthusiastically referred to as "the big man," I decided that was my cue to exit and I plopped on down the hill (It was actually far easier to walk uphill for me. Walking downhill hurt my toes).

I had yet another terrible culinary disappointment at the end of the day- Halfway up the Philosophenweg there is a small concession stand. As I passed, I saw, emblazoned in chalk, "WURST, €2.00." As we know, I just wanted some damn sausage so I enthusiastically forked over a €2 coin and began to slobber as I anticipated the crown jewel of my trip... and then the man at the counter handed me a salami sandwich. Okay, to be fair it was a fantastic salami sandwich. The bread was crispy and the meat was well seasoned, but as an American tourist, how am I supposed to know that Wurst refers to any pressed chopped meat!? Until tomorrow, I suppose.

I guess this doesn't sound like much but I was walking for maybe 3 hours, and I hit some of Heidelberg's most famous sights. All in all it was pretty sweet (maybe bittersweet, damn salami) day.

Lastly I wanted to post my daily-ish schedule to show that it's (marginally) possible to work a 12 hour night shift and go sightseeing simultaneously.
7:30PM: Wake up, shower, eat breakfast
8:00PM: Begin night shift
12:00AM: Eat lunch
4:00AM: Eat afternoon snack
8:00AM (Ideally, usually closer to 9): End night shift
9:00AM-ish: Nap
2:00PM-ish: Wake up, get dressed, go sightseeing (The bus leaves at either 1:40 or 2:40)
5:00PM-ish: Eat dinner
6:00PM-ish: Return and sleep

The reason why I call the longer rest period my nap and the shorter one my sleep is because, as you probably know, I really like to eat, and my body seems to be more focused on my eating schedule than on my sleeping schedule. I consider my day as beginning when I have breakfast food, and when I wake up at 7:30, I usually have a bowl of yogurt and an apple. Also, I sleep way deeper and feel way more rested after my "sleep" than I do after my "nap."

Until later today,

-Ryan

Friday, June 11, 2010

Germany 4

Time for today's Germany Update!
Today, one of the detectors on the test storage ring stopped working (and still doesn't work) and the only people here to fix it are "The Operator," Dietrich, and me. "The Operator" is a 25 year old man who sits and watches children's cartoons every night until 8AM, Dietrich is a postdoc who holds personal taste testings of the ice cream in the employee lounge so he knows which flavors to buy for his house. Anyway, we had to navigate into the depths of this machine in order to see what was wrong. Dietrich said "Zere ist un problem viss die Recombination Detector (there are two detectors in the portion of the ring where the ions and the electrons fuse; the other is the Autoionization Detector) but Ich do not know vich detector ist de Aa and vich ist de DR detector!" "The Operator" and I followed Dietrich back and forth between the detectors trying to remember the physics of the machine to see which detector we should use, when I said definitively "This is the Recombination Detector. I know for sure." Turns out there was a lab manual near the detector that said "Recombination" on it. We didn't fix anything but at least I have proof that I'm not completely useless.

Observation 14.
Dietrich really likes junk food. And watermelon.

Observation 15.
"The Operator" Knows startlingly little english. Like almost none. When he speaks English, however, he has no accent and just sounds like he has a stutter.

Observation 16.
This is an addendum to Observation 4:
German women are either young, gorgeous and skinny, old, hideous and obese, or look exactly like John Locke from Lost.





That's all the observing that I've really done, but that's because most of my newer observations have stories or have to do with my day so I integrate them into the story of the day.

Anyway, I said yesterday that today I would be taking a Neckar River Tour, and I did, but almost didn't. I set my alarm for 1PM to make the 1:45 bus, expecting to be out of the lab by 8:00, but I was kept until 9:00 by my professor to go over some plots. After that, I passed out, woke up at 1PM, and suddenly it was 1:35 and I was still in bed. Let's just say I've never put on pants so quickly in my life. I took the bus to the Döner Kebap place because I had 45 minutes before the trip. In the Cafe were me, a woman, and a man so drunk he couldn't walk straight. He sat down next to the woman to flirt with her, walked out of the cafe to make faces at her through the window, and then came back, had another beer, spoke to some guy about my fauxhawk (I could tell by his glances and hand motions) and passed out in his stool. The woman turned around and we had a lovely conversation about New York, Germany, Philosophy and drunk men (apparently the man had been describing in explicit detail the things God had sanctioned him to do to this woman). Of course, I am still an American tourist, and completely forgot about the European custom of sitting in a cafe all day. When 30 minutes rolled around and I still hadn't received my food, I jumped up, asked for everything to go, and left a wad of cash on the table. Of course, I had not yet even seen what my Döner looked like. More on that later.

I had to sprint to the boat dock and made it in time (but not before trying to buy a bottle of water from a small bar and having to ask a drunk patron to order it for me since the bartender knew no English) and looked around and noticed that I was the youngest person there by about 50 years. This was terribly disappointing, until out of the corner of my eye I saw two girls who looked like they could maybe be in college. I asked them if they spoke English, explained how the only people I had to speak to were Dietrich and The Operator, and told them I was "desperate for normal human interaction." It turned out that they were recent college graduates in Heidelberg playing club softball for a European League. They let me sit with them on the boat, which was actually just a floating bar that served piss warm beer upon which German alcoholics enjoy wasting themselves away. It was still a jolly time and the cruise was gorgeous; we saw the picturesque little town of Neckargemünd and the four castles of Neckarsteinach along with loads of other really awesome views of the valley (pictures to follow). Well, so on the boat ride I was talking about how great German Beer is (I downed somewhere around a liter of beer prior to boarding the boat) and convinced one of my new friends to order one because "it wouldn't be a trip to Germany without it." This was when we discovered that the beer may not have ever seen a refrigerator, and I felt pretty bad so I paid for it (I hummed "Buy U a Drank" to myself for the rest of the day).

Anyway, we got to Neckarsteinach, most people got off, the three of us goofed around the rest of the way back, and we parted ways at the bus stop. It was nice and relaxing after all the walking I've been doing.

Oh wait, and I had an entire Döner Kebap I didn't have time to eat in my hands.

So what is this strange dish I keep talking about?

I didn't realize either until that moment that it was the most glorious, ridiculous sandwich in the world.

Basically the Döner Kebap is what happened when a bunch of Turks came to Germany after the downfall of the Ottoman Empire and got all confused as to what they were supposed to put into their Gyros. Imagine a gyro, now imagine shaving it with what looks like an electric razor. Now put in some regular Gyro ingredients like tzatziki, lettuce and tomato. But wait, now get all confused and put in some cabbage and other weird clearly European sauces, forget where you put the pita and throw it on a flat kaiser roll. Now eat it. AAAAAIUUUUUGUGUGGHHHHHHHH

It's pretty tasty.

Also, excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes in this one please; I'm so tired I can't see straight :(

Tchüss!

-Ryan

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Germany 3


Today I had to make these two graphs. Now I have to (somehow) find a way to put the green graph in the same place as the red one. Any ideas?

I only made a couple of observations today (and these were actually from yesterday) but here they are:
Observation 11-
European tap water is terrible.

Observation 12-
Germans who wear graphic t-shirtss wear ridiculous ones. Most of them don't seem to care about what they say, only about the way the words look, I guess. Examples- "I AM NOT A TOURIST BECAUSE I LIVE HERE, " "Skating Power!" and others I don't recall because it's a little late. I'll keep track tomorrow.

Edit from 6/13/10: Other shirts include "First Team Varsity Baseball" and something about jazz music being founded in the 1940s.

Observation 13-
Even though this is Germany, every single corner has a Gelato store, and the Gelato stands are the most crowded places on the street. Not that that's weird since gelato is delicious, but still, I have yet to find a sausage (and that's the only thing I want.).

My professor kept me a little longer today so I slept in a little longer (5 hours instead of 4) so I went into town later than I usually did so I didn't do as much, which was fine because my legs are starting to hurt from all the walking I've been doing and I'll be hiking a few miles the day after tomorrow. S'all good.

Anyway, I started today by finding out about Neckar River tours, and they look really cool, so instead of visiting Neckargemünd by foot tomorrow, I will be visiting both Neckargemünd and Neckarsteinach (which I wanted to see way more because it has four castles) by boat. After that I went to the Palatinate (Kurpfälzisches) Museum, which was fantastic. It has a bunch of portraits of old Baden-Württemberg Prince-Electors, rooms redone using stuff from the Heidelberg Castle to match rooms from the 17th and 18th Centuries, stuff from archeological sites in the area (Roman, Celtic, and Neolithic!), paintings of landscapes, a timeline of German fashion using real costumes from different time periods, and a room full of pictures of Grace Kelly (this exhibit was German-Only so I have no idea how it was supposed to apply). Oh, and I also almost got thrown out...

The first thing they told me when I walked in was "Keine Foto!" which I know means "no photos" but I smiled and nodded and pretended not to understand. As I walked through the museum I discreetly snapped photos of all the things that liked, until I got to one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen- a cabinet with lots of inlaid woodwork that opened up to a wood sculpture of Jesus. I greedily snapped away and suddenly heard over the museum PA (if I weren't the only person in the museum, everyone would have heard) something in angry German about photos. I hid my camera and thought maybe they weren't addressing me, until a security guard I had seen at the front door met me with his walkie-talkie in hand, pointed at my pocket and yelled "KEINE PHOTO! NO PHOTO!" I guess it was a pretty big deal. Oh yeah, then I looked around and realized the museum had more CCTV Cameras than New York City- there wasn't a single spot in the museum where one could hide from security.

As I left the museum I received scolding glances from everyone who worked there (whatever) and crossed the courtyard into another museum I had previously thought was a wing of the first museum. This museum was a modern art museum with only two exhibits- one was completely in German (I don't know what it was but there were lots of lists) with a video of an "artist" who changed a picture's colors in photoshop and sent it to a "send your photo to us and we'll make an oil paint rendition of it" service (then sold the piece for 2000 dollars at an respectable art auction to show how artists were really just greedy moneymaking machines) and the other was the creepiest, most unsettling thing I have ever seen.

The exhibit was a plain white room that had various all black and faceless child-size figures. The figures were supposed to represent ghosts of the artist's friends and families- they were terrifying. In a big black box in one of the corners was a video playing clips of the artist's lighting a fuse that leads to her mouth (it cuts before she explodes), her limbless torso being attacked and molested by her limbs, and of her head fighting with her arms. The environment, the images, and the high pitch drone of the movie had such an affect on me that I left the museum shaking and utterly terrified. It must have been the best exhibit I've ever seen.

After that, still shaking, I walked down Haupstraße, ate a pretzel (it was good), ate gelato (it was good), bought a silly gift for my brother, and killed time waiting for my bus by walking to the other side of the river. I think the highlight of my whole day was when I asked the woman at the Gelateria for my favorite flavor of gelato, Stracciatella (a super Italian sounding word). My Italian accent must have been awesome, because she took my order and spoke to me in Italian. Relishing in this and delighted that she had just said "allora, ecco" to me instead of "now here's" (and was also really, really nice), I decided I was thirsty and asked for "una Fanta, per favore." I might just speak Italian for the rest of the trip

Anyway, that's today. Short things:
The only place I even see people my age is at stores or walking on the street, and I don't know how to approach a large group of adolescents without being sneered at (Tried that the first day, remember?) At the bus stop today I tried talking to a nice looking grandma and she didn't speak English. I'm probably going sit next to someone on the boatride tomorrow.
Red paths on the sidewalks are for bikes. If you don't ride a bike and walk on the path, you will be hit by a biker (not me, someone else).
Apparently Germany is known for their Turkish Döner Kebabs, which I'm pretty sure are just Gyros. If all else fails, I will have a Döner Kebab by the end of the trip (though I have a sneaking suspicion the Kebab store also sells sausages....)
Here's a link to the brochure from the creepy exhibit. There are stills from the video you can see what I'm talking about.

Tschüs!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Germany 2

To start, when I arrived back at the Guesthouse from my last shift I was asleep for twenty minutes when suddenly the people renovating the house I'm staying in decided to start using the loudest equipment (chainsaws? machine guns?) they had opposite the wall my bed is on. I screamed "Some of us work the night shift and have to sleep! Bitte, Raus!" They stopped for another twenty minutes and as soon as I started dozing off again, they turned the machines back on. "Halt! Raus! Raus!" I screamed. Silence, but another twenty minutes later they were at it again. This went on till about 10:00 when I was so fed up that I brought my bed into the bathroom and slept there since it's the furthest room from mine. It was pretty silly when my roommate arrived from his shift at 1:00 and had to use the bathroom; I shouted "Wait! I can explain!"

Anyway, I thought I'd start with some more observations.
Observation 6.
The snails and slugs here are hilariously large. Like, the snail's shell must be a good three inches in diameter, and the slugs are six-inch-long bright orange (when they're alive) or dull brown-ish (when they're dead) monsters. They are only this large to make you feel painfully guilty and disgusted when you step on them, which you will inevitably do since it is always wet here.

Observation 7.
All of the old people walk with these strange canes that look exactly like ski poles except they're rubber on the bottom. It's as if some ski manufacturer had to liquidate their supply so they just convinced all of the old people that they needed these ridiculous canes.

Observation 8.
The only people with German accents are scientists and old people. Most Germans go to classical high schools where they are required to learn two other languages, and usually pick English and Latin, so their accents are flawless. The scientists don't go to classical high schools (they go to science ones, dummy), and so their English has had far less time to develop.

Observation 9.
I am the only person who pays for the bus. I don't understand why- every other person just walks on and walks off; maybe they'll look at the bus driver and smile. I'm assuming they've paid for some monthly card or something but if they have, I haven't seen one. Also, the same driver drives the same bus every day, so I'm hoping by my last day the driver will just let me go. The guy even asked me how I was doing today and said "cheers" when I got off.

Observation 10.
This one goes hand in hand with Observation 9. There is a single raised seat diagonally behind the bus driver, and a different little old lady sits in it every time. She proceeds to make loud conversation with the driver, and sometimes she'll even hand him a fistful of sucking candies.

That's what I've noticed today. Also, I've taken pictures to confirm some of my observations, and counted another two people missing hands/arms.

As for my day, basically yesterday I walked through the entire town of Heidelberg to get to the castle, so today I used the tour book I got yesterday to see all of the stuff I missed. Heidelberg is completely centered around its university, and every building in Aldstadt, the old part of the town, that isn't a house, store or restaurant seems to be associated with the university in some way. The university is one of the oldest ones in Europe and dates back to the 14th century, but most of the buildings, except for the Castle and an old prison for witches (some would say it's bewitched heh heh), are from the 18th century as the whole city was razed during the religious conflicts.

I started my day looking for a power adapter for my laptop and found it after a twenty minute walk, tried explaining to the woman behind the counter (in broken German!) that I needed it for my job and that she should give it to me cheaper, and ultimately she didn't speak German or English well herself and couldn't be convinced (she didn't know what a Physiker or a Universität was). I walked all the way to the end of the town where there is an arch (Karlstor) and then doubled back to look at the architecture and major landmarks- most of the university buildings were built in the Baroque style, while most of the other buildings were built in the Neogothic and Neorenaissance styles. It's pretty.

I think my favorite part of the day was seeing the Church of the Holy Spirit in the Marketplatz. It's alright on the outside, but I loved the stained glass windows- on the right, all but one of the windows are old and patterned, while on the left they're really modern and abstract. The first window on the right side was amazing- it was in commemoration of Hiroshima, had a picture of the world cracked in half with an "E=mc^2" and a verse which I could only guess was from Revelations (I could be wrong but it would make sense, right?)

After all that walking (I basically traversed the entire length of the city three times in two hours) I stopped at a cafe. Basically, I sat down, pointed to the menu and said "that." One of the words looked like it could have been something sausage related so I was a little disappointed when I received nothing but a hard boiled egg and a basket of bread and jam, so I just ordered a tall pilsner on top of my mediocre feast and was happy anyway. There were a few students from the university chuckling at my obvious American-ness so I shrugged, smiled at them and raised my glass.

How to be a good tourist:
1. Accept that you are a tourist and will probably never fit in with the rest of the town
2. Buy a guide book, put it in your back pocket and make sure the name of the town you're in is visible (plus-people will look at your butt!)
3. Find a crowd of locals, take a picture of something they take for granted in front of them
4. Take a picture of something they didn't even know was important (Frommers told you)
5. Shrug and smile at everyone who laughs at you
6. Buy something really traditional and flaunt it (like two biersteins)
7. Order your food by pointing and without asking what you're ordering
8. Smile at everyone and everything
9. Chuckle at yourself- you look ridiculous
10. Realize that you're here to see this town and you have the right to do what you want

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Germany 1

If you didn't know, I'm in Germany for the week volunteering at the Max Plank Institut fur Kernphysik in Heidelberg. I've been here for a few days, I've seen some sights, made some observations, etc. Here's what I've got.

Observation 1.
Every German knows English. EVERY ONE. I walked through the main tourist part of Haupstraße. As I approached the store keepers I said my Gut Morgen and my Allos and was greeted with a "fägßßjsekfnsßgeüugfliägge!" To which I responded "heh, uh, english!" and was greeted with the most beautiful of English accents without a single w switched with v or whatever. I thought "heh, must be a tourist thing!" but no, I also went to a regular old supermarket and the man behind the counter, who didn't look nearly as refined, understood quite clearly that I needed to pay for my beer on a separate tab because Columbia would only reimburse me for essential items.

Observation 2.
For some reason, a massive amount of people in Germany (comparatively) are missing limbs. Okay, in America, maybe once in a blue moon you'll see someone with a prosthetic. In one hour, I saw four women who were missing one or both hands and a fifth who had her wrist in her pocket, but with no visible bulge where a hand would be.

Observation 3.
Germans are serious about their ß's. REALLY serious. Wherever there are two s's in a row, you will see a ß whether it is a German word or not. Heck, I'm surprised the SS didn't just call themselves the ß. My proof? Take the name Gauss. I am working in the physics lab here and if you didn't know, magnets are measured in Gauss, or as they call them here, Gauß. Maybe I'm just being an aßhole, but as an American, It's hard for me to not to be when I myself feel more like an abhole.

Observation 4.
German women are either young, gorgeous and skinny or old, hideous and obese. There is no in between.

Observation 5.
Every American tourist wants a Bierstein. Every German storekeeper wants to sell them a Bierstein. When you walk into a store, they will ask you if you have seen their collection of biersteins. As an American tourist, you will oblige. You will buy one. No exceptions.

So that's what I've noticed in my first day at Heidelberg. The stuff that will be more of interest to my parents and family and closest friends is to follow.

Otherstuff
I am currently sitting in the main lab, about to start hour 4 of my 12 hour night shift. My title is Kernphysiker/Wissenschaftliche Mitarbeiterin at the institute, and the machine I've been working with is a combination particle accelerator/ Test Storage Ring in the hills above Heidelberg. Basically, the particle accelerator takes an element from a foil (We are currently using Gold, but hope to be using Titanium by the end of the week) and passes the element through a Van der Graaf Generator with the hopes of stripping as many electrons as possible from the ion. The storage ring maintains a beam of this ion for as long as possible to measure its lifetime and its velocity. Then, a beam of ultra-cool electrons is lined up with the Titanium. We can measure many things, and what my group hopes to measure is the autoionization and dielectronic recombination rates of the ions. Basically, when the electron beam lines up with the Titanium beam, the titanium ions will pull in electrons into their outermost levels. When this happens, there is a probability that the Titanium will spit the electron out (autoionization) or accept the electron and emit a photon (dielectronic recombination). If the titanium has accepted the electron, it will become a little less positive than the rest of the beam and will bend in one direction. If the titanium has rejected the electron, it will be a little less energetic than the rest of the beam and will bend the other direction. Or something like that.

Today, I went to the Heidelberg Castle, one of the landmarks os the city. It was pretty awesome- it has the worlds largest wine barrel in the basement (55,000 gallons) and all sorts of silly things. Next to the barrel is a statue of "Perkeo," the court jester, who was an italian dwarf who got his name because whenever he was offered wine, he would shout "Perche, no?" (why not?) and chug the glass. He died when he was 80something when he was given water instead of wine (The water was so dirty that most people died when they drank it). Other things- apparently codpieces were used to hold armor up (They were empty) but it became fashionable to have a large codpiece. King Richard III of England is said to have filled his codpiece with "Sweets for the ladies" (badum tss).

I also walked around Haupstraße, the main street, where I basically just bought souvenirs. I walked up to a group of American tourists to see if I could tag along (at this point I had no idea what there was to do in Heidelberg, all I had was a map [I have since purchased a travel guide]) But was greeted with an "of course not, they paid for this!" All of the kids were weird looking anyway. Some misshapen, brace-faced middle school girl winked at me and I realized it was probably better off.

That's about it for today. Some quick notes about my visit-
I had beer and pizza for breakfast both days
Mustard comes in a tube
I need to buy a new travel power adapter
New German architecture is hideous as the Germans invented modernism
German postmodern is even worse
Platz means place, not explode
Fahrt means ride, not fart
Einbahnstraße is not the name of a street
It just means "one way street"
All Germans apologize when you say you're jewish
If they don't they're Nazis.

That's about it. Auf Wiedersehen!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Dads in Music: An brief analysis

Dad: Mr. McLusky
Ballad: "To Hell with Good Intentions"
Rad: He's much bigger than your dad and can assuredly beat him up. Plus, he's got eight cars and a house in Ireland.
Bad: The house in Ireland is pretty much a wooden shack. Plus, he's constantly disappointed in his children, given that they do more drugs than a touring funk band.

Dad: Mr. Deacon
Ballad: "Snake Mistakes"
Rad: He's the coolest dad in Dad School High, and does not break any Dad Rules. Plus, he can pick li'l Dan up if he ever asked him to.
Bad: He's got a car while he's still in Dad School and he limits his pick-up behavior to Dan Deacon? That's a real "snake mistake," if you know what I mean.

Dad: Mr. Man in the Moon
Ballad: "Cat's in the Cradle"
Rad: Raised Little Boy Blue to be exactly like him. That shows some strong and effective parental influence. Plus, he's got his cat's in cradles with silver spoons; that bastard must be loaded!
Bad: Raised Little Boy Blue to be exactly like him. Turns out the Man in the Moon was a workaholic and a neglectful dick. Plus, who can live well knowing that they became their parents?

Dad: Mr. Daddy
Ballad: "What Would You Do"
Rad: Spends some time out of prison. To his credit, his baby's momma is also not the only person in the world with a baby.
Bad: Unreliable, could either be smoking rock or going back to prison at this very moment. One way or another, he's not caring for his hungry child.

Dad: Mr. Lonni
Ballad: Also "What Would You Do"
Rad: Raised agile daughters.
Bad: Foiled by his sole point of radness, his daughters were able to swiftly escape him before he could rape them.

Dad: Mr. O'Blivion
Ballad: "Father O'Blivion"
Rad: Excellent chef and pastor, inordinately gigantic penis.
Bad: Very clumsy, believes leprechauns exist in Alaska. Clearly, they only live in Mobile, Alabama.

Dad: Mr. Christmas
Ballad: "Father Christmas"
Rad: Is Santa Clause, makes the whole world happier by dispensing joy and silly toys.
Bad: Is easily intimidated by destitute Brits

Dad: Mr. Twin
Ballad: "Come to Daddy"
Rad: Is very fertile.
Bad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Friday, May 28, 2010

Songs inconspicuously about fellatio: Joe Strummer's dirty secret

It was the song that inspired millions of young punks everywhere to begin questioning the establishment: should they stay or should they go? On the surface, it could be the rhymes of a troubled relationship or a distressed Bohemian, but the true meaning is far more sinister. The lead singer of the Clash is, quite simply, fed up with being a prostitute.

Strummer is a hapless hooker desperately in love with one of his customers, who prefers to keep a little distance ("Always tease tease tease, you're happy when I'm on my knees") but nevertheless has provided Strummer with a romantic ultimatum: he could keep working the streets or run away with him. Strummer, disillusioned by the inconsistency of the tricks he turns, with one day being fine and the next being black, (contrary to common knowledge) does not want to go back.

However, the decision is not that easy to make, and this is clearly bugging him. He confronts his pimp and states that "If you don't want me set me free," following the threat with the burden of proof for the alleged not-wanting, incuding an ignorance of the size of the clothes that Strummer wears. At last, an incensed Joe cans the bullshit and asks bluntly "Should I cool it or should I blow?"

Joe Strummer's conundrum is not one that most of us can relate to, but a devilish one to observe indeed. Lodged within it is the Catch-22 that if he goes there will be trouble (possibly related to getting hunted down by his pimp, or simply a long-term romantic disinterest with his current flame) but if he stays there will be double (further entrapment in the life of a prostitute, accompanied with depression and dissatisfaction with self).

To date, no one has let him know whether he should stay or should he go, because in reality, it's a question that only we ourselves can answer.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

iamamiwhoami

34 73 32 97 109 32 104 97 118 105 110 103 32 97 32 109 105 115 101 114 97 98 108 101 32 118 97 99 97 116 105 111 110 46 32 73 32 104 97 118 101 110 39 116 32 115 101 101 110 32 97 32 115 105 110 103 108 101 32 111 110 101 32 111 102 32 109 121 32 102 114 105 101 110 100 115 44 32 73 39 118 101 32 98 101 101 110 32 108 97 121 105 110 103 32 105 110 32 98 101 100 32 97 108 108 32 100 97 121 44 32 97 110 100 32 109 121 32 111 110 108 121 32 115 97 118 105 110 103 32 103 114 97 99 101 32 104 97 115 32 98 101 101 110 32 116 104 101 32 102 101 119 32 109 111 109 101 110 116 115 32 111 102 32 98 108 105 115 115 32 73 32 102 101 101 108 32 119 104 101 110 32 97 32 109 111 100 117 108 101 32 119 111 114 107 115 32 115 117 99 99 101 115 115 102 117 108 108 121 32 97 102 116 101 114 32 97 98 111 117 116 32 97 32 104 97 108 102 32 104 111 117 114 32 111 102 32 115 108 97 118 105 110 103 32 111 118 101 114 32 116 104 101 32 107 101 121 98 111 97 114 100 46 32 83 111 109 101 111 110 101 44 32 112 108 101 97 115 101 32 115 97 118 101 32 109 101 32 102 114 111 109 32 116 104 105 115 32 97 119 102 117 108 32 104 101 108 108 104 111 108 101 32 97 110 100 32 115 104 111 111 116 32 109 101 32 97 32 116 101 120 116 46 34

and if you really care,

import string
def main():
print "This is the decoder."
instring=raw_input("Please enter encoded message in numbers: ")
message=""
for numstr in string.split(instring):
asciinum=eval(numstr)
message=message+chr(asciinum)
print "The message is:", message
main()

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Songs Inconspicuously About Fellatio: Biting "the Dust"

This is the first part of a soon-to-be sporadically updated series about songs that are, well, inconspicuously about fellatio, handsex, rug munchin' or anything similar. The first band to be studied is a popular one, and based on the flamboyancy of their late and great lead singer, an obvious one: Queen.

*Another One Bites the Dust. The song that inspired this concept is, in fact, a bitter song about how the protagonist Steve can't get a decent blowjob in a crowded gay dance club. Steve, a closeted gay ("Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low") walks into a gay dance club lookin' for some lovin', but every man he find keeps "biting the dust." The dust, of course, is his penis.

He shoos away toothy BJ after toothy BJ ("another one gone and another one gone") until, finally, the rhythm gets to him and "out of the doorway the bullets rip, ripping to the sound of the beat" of the club. Is he happy? Is he satisfied? How long could he stand the heat? It doesn't matter now, because the "bullets" are still rippin' out of the "doorway" anyway, Steve abandoning quality in the blind pursuit of pleasure.

A deeper analysis reveals that, at the song's catchy breakdown, Steve decides to take matters into his own mouth. Fed up with the terrible brain he's been having to deal with, he takes his revenge on his ill-trained colleagues by biting their dusts himself ("Hey, gonna get you too").

Finally. Steve directly confronts the toothy menace, recognizing that "there are many ways you can hurt a man and bring him too the ground." However, he's ready, yes, he's ready for you, and he's still standing on his own two feet, ready to let the bullets rip. You see, you may think you're slighting him by biting the dust, but he's the one who's still standing and you're still on your knees.

Hail to the Queen, baby.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ryan's twitter greatest hits

Instead of studying I'm rereading some of my tweets. Here's my greatest hits.


Fridgeventures five... Decided to leave, fingers were cold. No one knew i was gone. Time in= 40 min, average temp = 39 degrees. 12:18 PM Aug 19th, 2009 via txt

Fridgeventures four- head chef walked in, told me the difference between male and femaile watermelons and left. Had no idea. Temp is 39f 12:11 PM Aug 19th, 2009 via txt

Fridgeventures three... Ate too many grapes, feel ill... How do i get out? Temp 38 degrees. Currently using plums as basketballs. 12:06 PM Aug 19th, 2009 via txt

Fridgeventures part two- original task= sort grapes from cherries... Solution? Eat all the grapes 11:51 AM Aug 19th, 2009 via txt

Fruit and veg fridge (aka number one) adventures part one- locked myself in, currently eating strawberries. Temp = 40 degrees f

Why is it that when women get fat their breasts get bigger but when men get fat their dicks get smaller? God must be a chubby chaser.

DICKS ARE FOR QUEERS! AND GIRLS!

GODDAMN FACEBOOK WON'T LET ME CHANGE MY NAME TO RYAN FRANKLYN AWESOMEBAUM

Dairy Initiates Awful Rectal Response... Horrible Evenings Afterward

COLUMBIA SHOULD OFFER A CORE CLASS ON JOURNEY'S GREATEST HITS

Happy frolicking in the grass, fucking trees and aborting babies day!

I want to be able to clap with my testicles.

Off to a magical land of farmers and hotel administrators

Errand 4: petworks. LOOKING AT PUPPIES IS NOT AN ERRAND, DAD

"Ryan, are you wearing a V-Neck? I mean, I'll suck the occasional dick as well but I don't go around telling everyone with my clothing!" -DM

And the year went out like J-Lo's cameltoe.

Do I look like a polar bear? DO I LOOK LIKE A POLAR BEAR? No? Then why you tryna play me like one?

You know you go to Columbia when you finish a math problem and think "Wow, that was one of the greatest U-Subs I've ever done"

Just Babybaum and Papabaum havin a chill time

4/21 Should be national super-groggy nap all day Day

Just a few days left of school

I've come up with my own ideals, things that will get me through everything. They're kind of like my own personal universals and I think that if I can properly apply everything I am about to say I will be really happy, all of the time.

Here goes.

1. Don't think about it.
2. Don't think about thinking about it.
3. Don't look forward.
4. Don't look back.
5. Don't regret.
6. Eat lots of delicious foods.
7. Moderate.
8. Set feasible goals.
9. Find joy in everything.
10. Take lots of naps.

Monday, April 26, 2010

New Nirvana Remix!

If you haven't been paying attention to my Lastfm, You may have noticed that one of my most listened to artists is, well, myself.
I've been dabbling in remixing, and now, I present to you, my (and Andrew Godlewicz's) Magnum Opus, the best thing ever composed, the Come as You Are Surf Rock Remix.


Nirvana- Come as You Are (SUPER AWESOME SURFIN' REMIX)
http://www.mediafire.com/?rgd2nmziyjk

and just for comparison,
Nirvana- Come as You Are
http://www.mediafire.com/?yny4tmjyn3m

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Earth Beta

What if earth were still in development?

Back in the day, some inventor decided it'd be nice to have a place to escape to where they could indulge in some tangible things instead of floating around being a shade all the time. So he created the universe. Whatever, NBD.

The project quickly becomes pretty large, with said inventor needing to employ loads of other shades. Not knowing how to compensate them for their time, he decided that he'd reward them by being the beta testers of his creation.

Two shades, one for the mind and one for the body, would inhabit each individual. Depending on their commitment, they could select any animal they chose. The most dedicated would be humans. The only task they had was to acquire knowledge of earth and the universe to pass down to the next shades, and if they didn't want to do that, they could be doctors or lawyers or frycooks or whatever.

Eventually, the inventor will finish his project and earth will be a paradise. Until then, hold tight.

----

When I was thinking about this, I went super in-depth and thought about why shades chose to be men or women, why you need two shades, what the limit on lives are, and why we don't remember being a shade. I will not go into that because I sound like a whacko right now.

-Ryan

Sunday Morning Philosophy

Here's a fun game for you.

So everyone comes to college and starts thinking about their existence. It's universal; we're getting older and we want to know why we're here. Some people just get depressed and forget about it, some settle for religion, some become authors, some post to their blog. Here's what you should do to get that out of the way.

The rules of the game are as follows.

1. Take a shower or nap or sit somewhere where you can really think.
2. Make up your own reason for your existence. Your own religion. If you settle with "life is meaningess," you're doing it wrong.
3. Write it down.
4. Believe it as truth.
5. Tell people about it (or don't).

Basically what I'm saying is, sure you can believe in the religion you've been assigned to, but why do you have to? Can your ideas be any worse than those of some uneducated bedouins who lived thousands of years ago? Religion should be way more personal.

I'm going to post my reason for existence that I made up last week. Feel free to comment with yours, make fun of me, or if you're really lazy, just believe in mine.

-Ryan

Friday, April 2, 2010

In defense of the fauxhawk

When I first arrived at this fine institution, I had long, shaggy hair and a hat. Mindful that first impressions were everything, after just a few weeks I went to the nearest barber and had everything shorn off, spare a tuft in the middle. Of course, to all of my college friends, this seemed drastic, a higher education-induced means to find myself after being lost for a few long weeks.

This was not the case.

Pan to mid-July. As I sat and read a book on my brand new kindle that I had received as a graduation present, my mind began warping and twisting. Thoughts raced and despite all my best mental efforts, I was easing into an existential crisis. At first I thought it would only last a few hours, but after realizing just how vivid my thoughts had been, and just how hard my stomach had dropped, settled into the miserable thought that I may be this way for a long, long time. And I was.

For the rest of July and almost all of August, few things seemed real or necessary; I kinda just stood miserable in my uniform for a while, wishing I were dead and simultaneously wishing I would live forever.

In this search for meaning, I “realized” that nothing especially mattered and to symbolize that, I asked my barber to cut my hair into a fauxhawk. It wasn’t because I thought it looked good- it was an act of exaggerated, depressed and ironic despair. So frustrated with life, I wanted my barber to cut me the ugliest haircut I could think of. I wanted sleazy hair, as insincere as possible to signify just how meaningless I thought my existence was.

Time moved on, I got excited for college, my fauxhawk got too long to put up with gel, and I slowly eased out of those terrible thoughts. However, one issue remained.

With a fauxhawk, I kind of looked… good.

When I got to work droopy eyed and miserable that day in July, I received more compliments on my appearance than I had ever received in my life. Every single waiter, waitress and busboy told me that they liked my hair. Every one.

So to be honest, I could have kept my hair long and shaggy and it wouldn’t have especially mattered, but both fortunately and unfortunately, and despite any meaning I had originally given my drastic new haircut, it simply looks better this way.

-Ryan

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Just two best friends differentiatin'

Sometimes I may sign my posts "-P" or "-Paul", but often signatures will not suffice and you could just identify my posts by the presence of the words "what's the deal with that?", which I am adopting as my motto, or "ribald", which is now my token identification word.

Ryan will still be posting all of them to facebook though (automatically, I think. kid's an automaton.), so if you're ryan's friends (hi ryan's friends!) then hi! I'm paul. It's a pleasure to meet you, though you've mistaken some of my musings for the thoughts of someone else in the past. It's okay. I forgive you of these hasty misclassifications and any assuredly ribald thoughts you may have gotten after reading said posts.

-P.

Just two best friends thinkin'

Now that Paul has finally begun posting, I've changed the blog title to reflect it. I will start ending my posts "-Ryan" as well. Also, bookmark it if you care, I'm changing the domain name to http://ryanandpaul.blogspot.com http://paulandryan.blogspot.com

Love,
-Ryan

Four Thirty Fiction

Because I wasted so much time zoning out on the internet, losing track of time, and unnecessarily staying up until the moment I finish this post, why not some creativity to cap it off?

I present to you, a stream-of-consciousness short story that's possibly going to have some absurdity, little meaning, and a deadpan conclusion. It will be the first fiction I've written since my ill-fated attempt to start a novel about James Joyce's corpse.

THE MISSING SCONE

John anxiously tapped the ashes off his cigarette, exposing the orange embers below to the silent air of the cafe. It was eight o'clock today, somewhat cold, and fretfully absent of Rebecca. Today was going to change.
It all started when John swiveled his forearm up and prepped his lungs for another deep pull on the dying cigarette. Suddenly, the door jolted open. The air shook and glowed as it pushed back from the door and onto the blistering embers. John had not expected someone else to arrive at this time of night, failed to resolve the smoky breath correctly in his throat, and reacted with a violent cough. A genial man in a tweed coat hastily approached him from the doorway, a dour grin of guilt disguising the foppish prig that lay beneath.
"I'm dreadfully sorry! Have I startled you?" said the genial man in the tweed coat.
"Yes," said John.
"Well then bollocks to you!" replied the foppish prig that lay beneath.
Sick of all this bullshit, John promptly collected his belongings and headed for the door. Pausing a second, he ashed his cigarette a second time and dropped it in a trash bin. The foppish prig raised one eyebrow and set about reading his newspaper, while the genial man in the tweed coat worried about the fire in the garbage. In a bitter thrust of fate and psychology, the fire would consume the entire street block. There were eighteen survivors.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Similies do not belong in music

Musicians tend to think largely of their lyrical prowess, so unless you're listening to a tween-catering hunk or harlot singing about how "your eyes are like the stars themselves," a simile in music is almost never going to be direct or concise. Rather, they tend to be as overblown or confusing as a shot-for-shot reenactment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy by a stubby ginger kid with a thick lisp and a striped polo shirt. Take, for example, this puzzler:

"I can see it cower like a nervous magician waiting in the wings of a bad play where the heroes are right and nobody thinks or expects too much and Hollywood's calling for the movie rights" - Blues Traveler, Run-Around

In the context of the song, it may pass as a verse, but that doesn't forgive John Popper for creating this overly convoluted comparison that runs on and on and away on the semi-ironically delightful driving ditty "Run-Around." The worst offender, however, is not a flash in the pan of not-quite-classic rock, but one of the greatest lyricists of our generation:

"My style switches like a faggot." - Nas, Halftime

With all due respect to Nas, that is a really bad simile. It doesn't really need explanation. But it's okay, because Nas clarifies its absurdity in the next line:

"...but not bisexual, I'm an intellectual of rap."

Oh.

Monday, March 22, 2010

About me- a revolution

I read facebook "about me's" and they usually aren't anything about the person. Sometimes they're inside jokes, sometimes they're quotes, sometimes they're ASCII pictures of cats, but rarely do I get to know anything about people. If they are about the person, they often seem to be more like what the person wants to be than what they actually are.
So, I'm going to start what should become a trend. I'm going to write an actual about me, and when I'm done, I'm going to hope that this blog post (and, because I don't know how to undo it, facebook note) become the norm in about me writing.

My name is Ryan Mandelbaum. I am 18 years old and I am a first year at Columbia College.
My favorite things to do are eat, shower, and listen to music. I also like to travel and I really like to swim.
In general, I'm loud, immature, and energetic. When you first meet me, you'll probably think I'm weird or a creep because I am extremely talkative and really extroverted. Try to be friendly back. I play really well off other people's moods. If you're happy, I'll be happy back.
I spend a lot of time in my head, and when I think, I think hard. Usually, it's too hard. I think pretty hard about everything.
I'm really, really hard to upset and I forgive people really easily. That being said, I am often paranoid that people are taking advantage of me.
Usually, I don't think before I speak. When I do think before I speak, I either don't speak or act really awkward.
I'm at one of those "find yourself" points of my life. It's basically me searching my mind and trying to find out what's "me" and what's "not me." I don't talk about it, but I write about it.
This post sounds like it's being written by a 15 year old girl.
Finally, my goals. I don't know what I want to major in. All I know is that I want to travel a lot.
Secondly, my only personal goal is to be really earnest (second Dictionary.com meaning). Maybe not honest, but definitely earnest.

So that's me, Ryan the 15-year-old-girl-with-mutton-chops. Now, tell me about you.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Rapidshare Premium Accounts

DieterFinch gave me the second password to his RS premium account, and lets just say that my computer can now hold approximately 10GB less than it could before.

Instead of downloading single songs or albums, I've gone straight for discographies and I can now tell you which were and which were not worth downloading.

1. The Knife, 700MB. I'd say worth it.
2. George Clinton, ~2GB. One should choose between Parliament or Funkadelic or only download P-Funk albums. There is no reason to have this much funk.
3. The Allman Brothers. 1.2 GB, >10 GB with live albums. Unless you're 60, no need to have any live album but live at the Filmore East.
4. The Grateful Dead. 2.2 GB, >20GB with live albums. Unless you're 60, no need to have any live album but Europe '72.
5. Royksopp. 200MB, Worth it!
6. Jamiroquai, 700MB. Probably not worth it.
7. Creedence Clearwater Revival, 1GB. I'd settle with the Greatest Hits album.
8. Journey, 2GB. NOT WORTH IT.
9. Rusko, 2GB. Eventually it all sounds the same. Not worth it.
10. Congo Natty, 700GB. Not worth it, almost everything released by Congo Natty is a remix of the song "Junglist" by Rebel MC.



Friday, March 19, 2010

My Empathy's Broken

I used to be really good at putting myself into other people's minds. I could see a person and what they were doing, and guess pretty efficiently what they were thinking. A couple of thing have put that ability to the test and ultimately, caused it to stop working.

1). Racism. I have no idea how you could be racist. I tried thinking about what it was like to not like someone for their race alone, and each time realized either people are jealous or hate people of different races for the precise reason why I like them.

2). "Cool." Someone please tell me what it's like to be cool. I'd really like to know. Does it feel any different from not being cool?

3). Literary Analysis. Why do I suck so hard at analyzing books? Are the people in my Literature Humanities actually that much more intelligent than I am, or are they far better at making things up.

I guess it's all part of this earnest vs. put-on thing that really bugs me. I always wonder whether people are conscious of their actions. For example, I create an art piece because I want to be an artist. Is this the same as an artist producing a piece? I wear sunglasses because I want to be cool. Is this the same as a cool kid wearing sunglasses?***


I should really stop being so cynical.
Maybe I should just go into psychology.
Who am I?


***See post "My Hobbies" From January 12th, Item 8

A word on being hip

I was about to write an essay on not liking hipsters but the truth is I'm probably not changing anyone's opinions and I really can't say anything that hasn't been said already, so "fuck hipsters" and we'll leave it at that.

so uh

I haven't been funny in a while, I should say something funny

uh

dicks

Friday, March 12, 2010

A Tale of Headphones and 40s

Just finished my last midterm. Now that I'm finished with having to think... what do I think?
(end musing)

Last night while I was walking with a friend, I realized the actual difference between high school and college. Sure, there are a bunch of innate differences with the people and stuff you do, etc, but there is one fundamental one-

In high school, the goofy prevail. Everyone looks and acts silly, they dress silly, they do things to be funny, they make jokes in class and the teacher laughs too, they're loud in public, they do things that are stupid, everything they do is silly.

In an immediate backlash to this, college students are serious. All they intend on doing is proving that they're serious, standing up for their views, misconstruing other people's words so they can get offended (like telling me I'm racist because I make fun of hipsters), and acting like adults. When they want to get silly, they get drunk.

Look at your college friends facebook pictures. Look how they dress now, and look at how they dressed in high school. Now, people look like they have to prove something. Then, they would dress slutty, emo, like a jock, but it was always goofy. Look at what they do now and what they did then. Now, they may get wild, but they always do it with a red cup in hand. Then? Look at the crazy, goofy, sober things everyone did just four years ago. Often, I feel as if I'd rather be friends with the person in the old pictures.

Is it a sign of the times? Is it what it means to grow up, to suppress the ability to have fun (and the ability to be interesting)? Sure you can say that we're more mature now, but when I meet someone who other people think is mature (or who calls me immature) usually, they're just an asshole.

In conclusion, Columbia Students, stop taking yourselves so goddamn seriously.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Comprehensive list of songs it's still okay to like ironically

*Shaggy - It Wasn't Me
*The Killers - Human
*Eddie Murphy - Party All the Time
*Hansen - Mmmm Bop
*Rammstein - Amerika
*Anything from the year 1998
*Wham! - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
*Vengaboys - Boom Boom Boom
*Young Money - BedRock
*Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

Songs it's no longer okay to like ironically:

*T.I. - Whatever You Life
*Lit - My Own Worst Enemy
*Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
*Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
*Miley Cyrus - Party in the USA

Songs it's okay to like ironically every once in a while:

*The Killers - Mr. Brightside but only if you sing along at the "JEEEEAAALLOUUUSSSYYYY" part really melodramatically

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Competitive Listening

I've been listening to music recently, completely conscious of the number of times I've played songs for lastfm.

The website seems to make listening to music a competition. I'm kind of glad I don't have 50,000 listens, though. I mean, I don't know if I would if I counted my iPod and old computer, but if I did have that many, I would say more than three quarters would be really embarrassing stuff from back in the day, when I listened to Guster, Linkin Park and Brand New.

I guess I don't have any problems with lastfm.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

But really, I don't need anything

So I don't have to leave hints: I have already received a birthday present from my parents, and it is all sorts of awesome. I want nothing else.
However, if anyone was planning to get me anything for my birthday I could totally use a pair of super good headphones. Thanks a lot.
Headphones that would be good:
Audio Technica ATH M50
Bose, but probably not the noise cancelling ones
Grado SR80i
Sennheiser HD 280

So like I said, don't get me anything. But if you were planning on getting me something, here it is.
Think of it like OJ's "If I Did it."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Father-son talk

Sometimes I have conversations with my future kids.
Billy: Daddy, what happens when you die?
Ryan: It's kind of like sleeping. You like sleeping, right?
Billy: Yeah... (pause) But daddy?
Ryan: What, Billy?
Billy: Do you ever wake up?
Ryan: Well, do you like waking up?

Let it be forewarned, my kids are also going to love Brussels sprouts.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

My Hobbies

1. Looking out the window on long car rides and see if the passing cars sync up with the music I'm listening to
2. Making lists that are zero items long ("Comprehensive list of things that are cuter than kittens," "ten funnest things to do on long island," "five reasons to move to Staten Island...")
3. Googling the lyrics to songs that people post on their facebook statuses and then making snarky comments about them while simultaneously making them think I knew the song just by looking at the lyrics
4. Avoiding eye contact with attractive women
5. Reenacting past situations but changing the parameters ("This time I'm going to mention that I'm a rapist!")
6. Steering conversations so that I put myself in a position where I can brag about myself, but then avoid doing it ("Yeah man, I'm getting a great college education." "Oh yeah, Ryan? Where do you go?" "Some school in New York, it's alright")
7. Making myself seem more timid/stupid/simple around members of the opposite sex to avoid confrontation or conversation ("maybe they'll come to me!")
8. Debating whether my actions are genuine or forced
9. Looking through fat people's facebook pictures to see if there are pictures of them before they were fat
10. Downloading advanced music composing/producing software and then producing crappy tunes but acting as if I knew exactly what I was doing

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Top Ten Lists are for people who think they know things

So here's mine. Top ten songs of the decade. Right here.
10: Lady GaGa- Just Dance
9: Lady GaGa- Paparazzi
8: Lady GaGa- Pokerface
7: Lady GaGa- Bad Romance
6: Sean Paul- Like Glue
5: Sean Paul- Shake That Thang
4: Lou Bega- Mambo Number 5
3: The Beatles- Come Together(that came out this decade, right?)
2: Sean Paul- Temperature
1: Fergie- London Bridge

I think this encompasses every genre ever