The Best Day of My Life

Last week was the worst day of my life. I had a shitty day at work and all I wanted was some Taco Bell, so I ordered my favorite- a Crunchwrap Supreme. Upon receiving it, I was handed nothing more than a wrap- my CWS was neither crunchy nor supreme. There was no crunch, no lettuce, no tomato, and the sour cream tasted like yogurt. I promptly emailed the Taco Bell Customer Service Site detailing this experience as ironically and as Ryan Mandelbaum-y as possible. This is what I received in the mail today. IN THE MAIL. LIKE, AN ACTUAL LETTER.

June 25th, 2010

Ryan Mandelbuam

----------------- Avenue

----------, NY, 1----

Dear Ryan Mandelbaum,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your experience at Taco Bell. Comments from our customers are very important to us, and we appreciate yours.

At Taco Bell, we strive to ensure that all of our restaurants meet every customer's expectations. So when a valued customer like you takes the time to contact us, we take it seriously. For this reason, I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate team members in order to help us toward continuous improvement.

Once again, thank you for your comments. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience you may have experienced. (Begin best day ever) WE HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT THE ENCLOSED COUPON AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION FOR YOUR COMMENTS. We look forward to welcoming you back to the great taste of Taco Bell.

Sincerely,

Alwin (that's how it's spelled on the letter)

Guest Service Representative

We Care!

VALID GUEST COUPON

ONE FREE ITEM OF YOUR CHOICE

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Definitive Proof of NNNNGGGHHH

This is what our world has come to.

DUDE YOU GOT MAAAAD BALLS

Why on earth would Jelly Belly sell an entire bag solely composed of the worst flavor of Jelly Beans?

AWWWWW YEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Definitive proof of not god

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs094/en/

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_net_worth_of_soulja_boy

Definitive Proof of God

1. Justify human existence without God
2. Justify human existence with God

or for you physics types

1. Explain the Universe without God
2. Explain the Universe with God


3. Apply Occam's Razor

Germany 7 and last

Today was my last full day in Deutschland, albeit a successful one.

Observation 25.
You know those crutches that hook around your arms and that you automatically associate with a born disability, like the one Jimmy from south park uses? In Germany, if you have even the slightest limp, you use those.

Observation 26.
For the best, most fit people in the world, Hitler, you Germans sure do have a crap-ton of deformities

Observation 27.
Have you ever noticed that the harder you look for something, once you find it, the more common it becomes? (ie, I had two bratwursts today)

Alright, so, remember that the last time I slept was 3PM yesterday.
I got back from the lab this morning, downed two cups of coffee, and took a fifteen minute nap. Apparently this can make one feel alert for a long period of time- it made me feel caffeinated and tired at the same time. Anyway, I took the bus to the trains station ("Hauptbahnhof") and after fumbling with the German ticket machine and ultimately getting some help from the attendant, I was on the 9:30 train to Worms (with a change at Mannheim- kind of like changing at Jamaica). I always assumed the tourist helper/travel agent people at the train stations were supposed to speak English, but when I arrived at Worms Hbf, the woman didn't speak a lick of it. She did know the word for "map" though so that was okay. Anyway, I had decided that I would plan my trip for Worms once I got a map, and since this map was terrible, I did no planning. I was pretty sad but decided I'd have to start somewhere, so I found the Jewish Cemetery (the oldest Jewish Cemetery in Europe, mind you) and walked around, said some prayers, etc. I couldn't read any individual graves (they were all in Yiddish and/or Hebrew) but I could tell that they were damn old. The one grave I did see was the oldest one in the cemetery- from 1070AD.

After that, I kind of wandered towards the main cathedral when I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a colorful sheet of paper with lots of notes on it. Proud of me for being so respectful at his house of worship, I'm pretty sure G-d himself placed it there- a full color map of Worms, complete with two walking tour routes of the city, labels for the twenty attractions, and facts about all twenty. Made my day far more enjoyable.

Before I talk about seeing the City, let me talk about the city itself. Worms is really old and has some fantastic pieces of architecture. However, there is almost no context as all the buildings are built in completely different styles. Heidelberg has an "old city," and even though all of the buildings are from post 1750, they have a theme that ties them together, one that even the modern buildings try to either match or back down from. In Worms, people just built whatever, wherever, so you have a mess of architectural styles, mostly gross modern Walter Gropius apartment buildings that make most of the city look kind of like Central American slums. In addition, the only way I think I can describe Worms is in comparison to Heidelberg- Heidelberg is classy, Worms is trashy. Both cities take pride in their culture, but while Heidelberg tries to fit in with it, shape it, and apply it, Worms flaunts it- it only matters to them that they are "Germany's Oldest City;" they don't care about what it is that makes them the oldest. Lets make an American comparison. If Heidelberg is an auto show, Worms is a NASCAR event. Also, in general, the people in Worms are either mullet-bedecked or hair straightened cigarette smoking teenagers, dark old fat people, and deformed adults. Not a single pretty blond-haired German college girl in sight.

Not to say I didn't enjoy the town; I loved it. I just wanted to point this out.

Anyway, my tour took me all about the town- mostly to places where Martin Luther went, thought, and spoke during the Diet of Worms. These were fairly uninteresting since most of these sites have since been replaced by modern monuments and because I think Martin Luther was a huge asshole. Anyway, then I got to some of the real interesting parts- before WWII, Worms had a very large Jewish population and an extraordinarily old synagogue dating from the 1030s. Though most of the Jeiwsh Quarter ("Judengasse") was destroyed during Krystallnacht, after the war the stones and debris was used to rebuild the quarter which now serves as a sort of modern museum. The synagogue itself also has an extremely old mikvah (pool used for spiritual and religious purposes, kind of like a baptismal font) and some relics from before it was destroyed the first time. After seeing the temple (which has a memorial in it for Worms' holocaust victims attempting to name all of them, fyi) and saying a prayer for the dead, I went off to see some more of the city. The tour took me to a few monasteries dating from the 1400s, the Nibelungen bridge (with a really wacky looking tower, look it up), past one of very few Renaissance-era buildings still privately owned, and onto the town hall. Also, the entire thing led along the Old town wall, parts of which date back to the Roman Era, but most of which have been reused as parts of homes or museums and stuff.

The tour ended with the Cathedral, built in the Romanesque style in the 12th century. It was gorgeous- built in stone, and the altar was about the size of my house and all gold. There were loads of stone reliefs on the walls and the church was so massive, whenever a noise was made it seemed to reverberate to infinity. It was pretty kickass.

Anyway, after seeing the cathedral my feel hurt, it was lunch time, and I felt as like it was time to go to sleep. There was a museum of Worms' history and I didn't want to see it but would have felt guilty if I missed it, but it ended up being closed so I meandered back to the Hbf, grabbed a pretzel, and passed out on the train. When I arrived back at the Heidelberg Hbf, a bratwurst cart mysteriously appeared on the platform, so I had a massive brat sandwich for only 2 bucks. Even better- the guy started talking to me in German, I looked at him blankly, and then he began to speak Italian. HE THOUGHT I WAS ITALIAN (i think.) Finally, I got to the bus stop and laughed with an old man about how "Deutsch" is "Tedesco" in Italian (he asked me what language I spoke and I was already on a roll so...) since "Tedesco" was the only Italian word he knew (He spoke zero English, I later confirmed) and Deutsch is just about the only German word I know.

Then, instead of going back to the Kernphysikalisches Institut, I decided I would spend my last day in Heidelberg overlooking the city, so I took my bus to the last stop, the aptly named "Königstuhl ("King's Throne"), a 550 meter peak and the tallest mountain in the Neckar River valley. It was a clear day and you could see everything for about 35km- you could even see Worms through the little observer glasses!

So that's about it, and this would be my last journal entry for my trip to Germany. I hope you enjoyed reading it, because I sure as hell enjoyed experiencing it, and maybe next time I leave the country I'll actually have someone to go with so I don't develop a German accent simply because the only person I have to speak to is Dietrich.

Germany 6

Tomorrow I'm going to Worms, and the lab won't be open for me to check my internet when I get back, so I'll probably write Germany 7 either at home in NY or at the airport if there's WiFi. Also, tonight will be my only all nighter- I'm leaving for Worms as soon as I get off of my shift (after taking a 15 minute caffeine nap, that is) as it is about 45 minutes from Heidelberg (sleep is for the weak, G(tb)^2)

Observation 22.
Lots of Germans are really into soccer. Most Germans are really NOT into the Germans who are really into soccer.

Observation 23.
If you own a blue and orange "Education First Credit Union" backpack (I'm looking at you, Emilio) you are American. And it's not like just one person owns it, too. Everyone who is both American and In Germany Right Now owns one.

Observation 24.
Yesterday, one of those little old ladies threw me out of the way because I was waiting to pay for the bus and I guess I was blocking the door. She was strong as hell.


This morning I did like I always do- I set my alarm for 1:15 and went to bed. When I woke up, however, I looked at my clock, and to my horror, it said 3:45. I had set my clock for 1:15AM on accident. I was about to cry. The museum I really wanted to go to closed at 5, I didn't think I'd make it to the store I wanted to go to, and the next bus wouldn't come until 4:45. I kind of freaked out, got dressed in a hurry, and sprinted to the security desk. "Cab! I need to call a cab!" he didn't speak English so I had to phone the main office of the institute. I gave the cab guy directions and made it to the museum at 4:15. I made it to the door, but when I looked in, all the lights were out and there was a sign about something from June 1 to July 1. Apparently, the museum is closed this month. I ran to the store. All German stores are closed on Sunday. I didn't know if I should be really miserable or somewhat relieved, until I looked up. There he was, Perkeo the drunken Italian Dwarf* from the Heidelberg Castle, dancing with a cup of wine in his hand, and emblazoned on a wooden sign above a cafe. He was calling my name. I knew he had some secret hiding up his sleeve*, and I knew that there was a reason why today had happened in that manner*.

It was fucking Bratwurst time.*

I was a little hesitant to sit down at first. After all, this restaurant could just be a breakfast place like the first one. Or maybe it was an Italian restaurant. Maybe I would explode with anticipation the sausage arrived.* I walked in and shakily asked the waitress "Do you have Bratwurst? It's my last day in the city and I have yet to have any German Sausage*" She turned to me and said "of course we have bratwurst!" I almost hugged her with glee. I sat down. Why do I need to look at a menu? I know what I want! Wait, what if I get salami again! I looked, located the Bratwurst on the menu under "Pork Dishes ("Fuck yes this menu is in English")" and before the waitress had even arrived at my table I said "Pfälzisches Bratwurst and a Coffee, please." She must have thought I was crazy. I was crazy. Crazy for goddamn German sausage.*****

The dish arrived shortly after. It was a long, pale link, balanced gently atop a hill of mashed potatoes and a matching hill of sauerkraut. two strips of bacon lie beside masterpiece drizzled with brown gravy, like hot fudge on a banana split. A garnish of lettuce and tomato filled out the final quarter of the plate. I started with the potato- one has to get used to the water before they can jump in- it was fluffy and almost earthy, as if the potato had only recently left the ground. The sauerkraut was tangy, yet crisp- they had made it in the restaurant. Then I got to the sausage. The outside was crisp and snapped as I cut it, the inside was completely uniform (no chunks like other sausages) and tender. Then to the bacon. I knew Germany was known for its pork products- I didn't know that the Bacon would almost outshine the Bratwurst. It was almost fatless and greaseless, and was neither too crispy nor too floppy. It was almost more like Canadian bacon, yet in taste, though it was extremely light and not nearly as overpowering as bacon's flavor tends to be, it was distinctively bacon. I had a forkful of all four elements mixed together. These flavors were made for each other.

I slowly made my way to the end of the meal, taking bites of sausage, then kraut, then bacon, then potato, then all three. I scraped the plate clean, sat back, and smiled. Okay, so maybe I'm kind of exaggerating, but if you know me you know I love to eat, and I think this meal was the closest thing to spiritual ecstasy I have ever achieved, especially after the six days I had to wait for it and the fear I wouldn't have it at all. I topped it off with a glass of beer, and thought back to the name of the meal. Pfälzisches Bratwurst, "Sausage of the Palatinate." My chair became my throne, my beer my goblet, and my waitress my servant. I was Lord of Perkeo's Restaurant and Coffeehouse.

I mean, I did other things to- I walked through the old Jewish quarter and said a prayer on a memorial for the Holocaust victims of Heidelberg (Built on the foundation of a synagogue burned down during Krystallnacht) and walked through a suburb of the town trying to find the other castle in Heidelberg (I failed, it was a mile further away than I thought), but this is German Sausage we're talking about. It deserves a day to itself.



*That's what she said
-it was really hard not to just make this entire post a drawn out sexual innuendo so I typed it up first then inserted *s where necessary

Germany 5

For some reason I'm absolutely wired right now. No idea why. Also, apparently my professor and all the other professors in the lab were talking about me last night and determined that I must have been super human because they've never seen anyone work the night shift and sightsee simultaneously, and I've done nothing but sightsee apparently. For today's little extra thing I'll put my schedule to show how I've made it work.

Observation 17.
German men don't use cologne or products that make them smell nice (Deoderant? Maybe). Someone I spoke to described how here, men are all about showing off their individual "natural musk." That's fantastic, German men. You all smell like sweaty armpits.

Observation 18.
The people here who own dogs either own German Shepherds, Border Collies, or Huskies (Although I did see this one family with a dog that looked just like Alf). I haven't seen a terrier since I've gotten here.

Observation 19.
German men are generally either fat and sweaty, old and wrinkly, or tall and awkward. They all have gorgeous girlfriends.

Observation (Wikipedia Factoid) 20,
Apparently, 60% of Germans put that they speak English "well" or "very well" on their Census forms. I think the percentage of people speaking English "well" or "very well" is lower in New York City.

Observation 21.
The weather here is ridiculous, but every day the same. It rains extremely hard at night, drizzles in the morning, clears up by noon and is gorgeous until the sun goes down. This works out perfectly with my schedule :)

So about my day, then.
I had been planning today's journey since my third day, I just needed to build up a weeks worth of mental preparation before I did it. I was going to hike all the way up to the top of Heiligenberg, the mountain which defines Eastern Heidelberg's Northern Border. On top of Heiligenberg are some ruin sites, and at its base is one of the most famous streets in all of Heidelberg, the Philosophenweg.

I wasn't that rushed this morning and got myself ready for the hike and took the bus into town. The hike starts with the Philosophenweg, named as such because University of Heidelberg students used to walk along it to do all their pondering, since its view of the city is pretty breathtaking. One thing people kept warning me and that I couldn't quite fathom was just how much uphill I would be walking. It was all fine and I made it to the top of the Philosophenweg and Heiligenberg in an hour or so, and I wasn't all that tired when I was done, until someone told me just how much I had walked- something like two miles. I felt kind of proud of myself but then my legs gave way on hearing it and I had to sit and rest for an hour.
Along the walk there are maybe three stops to view the city at different angles, a biergarden (obviously), and trails that branch off to lead to all the towns around the mountain. The ruins themselves at the top of the trail were pretty cool- there was an old monastery from the 1500s next to which a large (much newer) tower had been built (I felt like Rocky when I got to the top), an enormous amphitheater built under the Third Reich, and on the other side a huge Basilica from 1100 wiith two towers. The amphitheater was pretty cool I guess, until I spoke to some Americans I had done part of the hike with, and one of them excitedly shouted "Can you believe it? The big man himself walked on this stage!" Not wanting to hear Hitler so enthusiastically referred to as "the big man," I decided that was my cue to exit and I plopped on down the hill (It was actually far easier to walk uphill for me. Walking downhill hurt my toes).

I had yet another terrible culinary disappointment at the end of the day- Halfway up the Philosophenweg there is a small concession stand. As I passed, I saw, emblazoned in chalk, "WURST, €2.00." As we know, I just wanted some damn sausage so I enthusiastically forked over a €2 coin and began to slobber as I anticipated the crown jewel of my trip... and then the man at the counter handed me a salami sandwich. Okay, to be fair it was a fantastic salami sandwich. The bread was crispy and the meat was well seasoned, but as an American tourist, how am I supposed to know that Wurst refers to any pressed chopped meat!? Until tomorrow, I suppose.

I guess this doesn't sound like much but I was walking for maybe 3 hours, and I hit some of Heidelberg's most famous sights. All in all it was pretty sweet (maybe bittersweet, damn salami) day.

Lastly I wanted to post my daily-ish schedule to show that it's (marginally) possible to work a 12 hour night shift and go sightseeing simultaneously.
7:30PM: Wake up, shower, eat breakfast
8:00PM: Begin night shift
12:00AM: Eat lunch
4:00AM: Eat afternoon snack
8:00AM (Ideally, usually closer to 9): End night shift
9:00AM-ish: Nap
2:00PM-ish: Wake up, get dressed, go sightseeing (The bus leaves at either 1:40 or 2:40)
5:00PM-ish: Eat dinner
6:00PM-ish: Return and sleep

The reason why I call the longer rest period my nap and the shorter one my sleep is because, as you probably know, I really like to eat, and my body seems to be more focused on my eating schedule than on my sleeping schedule. I consider my day as beginning when I have breakfast food, and when I wake up at 7:30, I usually have a bowl of yogurt and an apple. Also, I sleep way deeper and feel way more rested after my "sleep" than I do after my "nap."

Until later today,

-Ryan

Germany 4

Time for today's Germany Update!
Today, one of the detectors on the test storage ring stopped working (and still doesn't work) and the only people here to fix it are "The Operator," Dietrich, and me. "The Operator" is a 25 year old man who sits and watches children's cartoons every night until 8AM, Dietrich is a postdoc who holds personal taste testings of the ice cream in the employee lounge so he knows which flavors to buy for his house. Anyway, we had to navigate into the depths of this machine in order to see what was wrong. Dietrich said "Zere ist un problem viss die Recombination Detector (there are two detectors in the portion of the ring where the ions and the electrons fuse; the other is the Autoionization Detector) but Ich do not know vich detector ist de Aa and vich ist de DR detector!" "The Operator" and I followed Dietrich back and forth between the detectors trying to remember the physics of the machine to see which detector we should use, when I said definitively "This is the Recombination Detector. I know for sure." Turns out there was a lab manual near the detector that said "Recombination" on it. We didn't fix anything but at least I have proof that I'm not completely useless.

Observation 14.
Dietrich really likes junk food. And watermelon.

Observation 15.
"The Operator" Knows startlingly little english. Like almost none. When he speaks English, however, he has no accent and just sounds like he has a stutter.

Observation 16.
This is an addendum to Observation 4:
German women are either young, gorgeous and skinny, old, hideous and obese, or look exactly like John Locke from Lost.

That's all the observing that I've really done, but that's because most of my newer observations have stories or have to do with my day so I integrate them into the story of the day.

Anyway, I said yesterday that today I would be taking a Neckar River Tour, and I did, but almost didn't. I set my alarm for 1PM to make the 1:45 bus, expecting to be out of the lab by 8:00, but I was kept until 9:00 by my professor to go over some plots. After that, I passed out, woke up at 1PM, and suddenly it was 1:35 and I was still in bed. Let's just say I've never put on pants so quickly in my life. I took the bus to the Döner Kebap place because I had 45 minutes before the trip. In the Cafe were me, a woman, and a man so drunk he couldn't walk straight. He sat down next to the woman to flirt with her, walked out of the cafe to make faces at her through the window, and then came back, had another beer, spoke to some guy about my fauxhawk (I could tell by his glances and hand motions) and passed out in his stool. The woman turned around and we had a lovely conversation about New York, Germany, Philosophy and drunk men (apparently the man had been describing in explicit detail the things God had sanctioned him to do to this woman). Of course, I am still an American tourist, and completely forgot about the European custom of sitting in a cafe all day. When 30 minutes rolled around and I still hadn't received my food, I jumped up, asked for everything to go, and left a wad of cash on the table. Of course, I had not yet even seen what my Döner looked like. More on that later.

I had to sprint to the boat dock and made it in time (but not before trying to buy a bottle of water from a small bar and having to ask a drunk patron to order it for me since the bartender knew no English) and looked around and noticed that I was the youngest person there by about 50 years. This was terribly disappointing, until out of the corner of my eye I saw two girls who looked like they could maybe be in college. I asked them if they spoke English, explained how the only people I had to speak to were Dietrich and The Operator, and told them I was "desperate for normal human interaction." It turned out that they were recent college graduates in Heidelberg playing club softball for a European League. They let me sit with them on the boat, which was actually just a floating bar that served piss warm beer upon which German alcoholics enjoy wasting themselves away. It was still a jolly time and the cruise was gorgeous; we saw the picturesque little town of Neckargemünd and the four castles of Neckarsteinach along with loads of other really awesome views of the valley (pictures to follow). Well, so on the boat ride I was talking about how great German Beer is (I downed somewhere around a liter of beer prior to boarding the boat) and convinced one of my new friends to order one because "it wouldn't be a trip to Germany without it." This was when we discovered that the beer may not have ever seen a refrigerator, and I felt pretty bad so I paid for it (I hummed "Buy U a Drank" to myself for the rest of the day).

Anyway, we got to Neckarsteinach, most people got off, the three of us goofed around the rest of the way back, and we parted ways at the bus stop. It was nice and relaxing after all the walking I've been doing.

Oh wait, and I had an entire Döner Kebap I didn't have time to eat in my hands.

So what is this strange dish I keep talking about?

I didn't realize either until that moment that it was the most glorious, ridiculous sandwich in the world.

Basically the Döner Kebap is what happened when a bunch of Turks came to Germany after the downfall of the Ottoman Empire and got all confused as to what they were supposed to put into their Gyros. Imagine a gyro, now imagine shaving it with what looks like an electric razor. Now put in some regular Gyro ingredients like tzatziki, lettuce and tomato. But wait, now get all confused and put in some cabbage and other weird clearly European sauces, forget where you put the pita and throw it on a flat kaiser roll. Now eat it. AAAAAIUUUUUGUGUGGHHHHHHHH

It's pretty tasty.

Also, excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes in this one please; I'm so tired I can't see straight :(

Tchüss!

-Ryan

Germany 3

Today I had to make these two graphs. Now I have to (somehow) find a way to put the green graph in the same place as the red one. Any ideas?

I only made a couple of observations today (and these were actually from yesterday) but here they are:
Observation 11-
European tap water is terrible.

Observation 12-
Germans who wear graphic t-shirtss wear ridiculous ones. Most of them don't seem to care about what they say, only about the way the words look, I guess. Examples- "I AM NOT A TOURIST BECAUSE I LIVE HERE, " "Skating Power!" and others I don't recall because it's a little late. I'll keep track tomorrow.

Edit from 6/13/10: Other shirts include "First Team Varsity Baseball" and something about jazz music being founded in the 1940s.

Observation 13-
Even though this is Germany, every single corner has a Gelato store, and the Gelato stands are the most crowded places on the street. Not that that's weird since gelato is delicious, but still, I have yet to find a sausage (and that's the only thing I want.).

My professor kept me a little longer today so I slept in a little longer (5 hours instead of 4) so I went into town later than I usually did so I didn't do as much, which was fine because my legs are starting to hurt from all the walking I've been doing and I'll be hiking a few miles the day after tomorrow. S'all good.

Anyway, I started today by finding out about Neckar River tours, and they look really cool, so instead of visiting Neckargemünd by foot tomorrow, I will be visiting both Neckargemünd and Neckarsteinach (which I wanted to see way more because it has four castles) by boat. After that I went to the Palatinate (Kurpfälzisches) Museum, which was fantastic. It has a bunch of portraits of old Baden-Württemberg Prince-Electors, rooms redone using stuff from the Heidelberg Castle to match rooms from the 17th and 18th Centuries, stuff from archeological sites in the area (Roman, Celtic, and Neolithic!), paintings of landscapes, a timeline of German fashion using real costumes from different time periods, and a room full of pictures of Grace Kelly (this exhibit was German-Only so I have no idea how it was supposed to apply). Oh, and I also almost got thrown out...

The first thing they told me when I walked in was "Keine Foto!" which I know means "no photos" but I smiled and nodded and pretended not to understand. As I walked through the museum I discreetly snapped photos of all the things that liked, until I got to one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen- a cabinet with lots of inlaid woodwork that opened up to a wood sculpture of Jesus. I greedily snapped away and suddenly heard over the museum PA (if I weren't the only person in the museum, everyone would have heard) something in angry German about photos. I hid my camera and thought maybe they weren't addressing me, until a security guard I had seen at the front door met me with his walkie-talkie in hand, pointed at my pocket and yelled "KEINE PHOTO! NO PHOTO!" I guess it was a pretty big deal. Oh yeah, then I looked around and realized the museum had more CCTV Cameras than New York City- there wasn't a single spot in the museum where one could hide from security.

As I left the museum I received scolding glances from everyone who worked there (whatever) and crossed the courtyard into another museum I had previously thought was a wing of the first museum. This museum was a modern art museum with only two exhibits- one was completely in German (I don't know what it was but there were lots of lists) with a video of an "artist" who changed a picture's colors in photoshop and sent it to a "send your photo to us and we'll make an oil paint rendition of it" service (then sold the piece for 2000 dollars at an respectable art auction to show how artists were really just greedy moneymaking machines) and the other was the creepiest, most unsettling thing I have ever seen.

The exhibit was a plain white room that had various all black and faceless child-size figures. The figures were supposed to represent ghosts of the artist's friends and families- they were terrifying. In a big black box in one of the corners was a video playing clips of the artist's lighting a fuse that leads to her mouth (it cuts before she explodes), her limbless torso being attacked and molested by her limbs, and of her head fighting with her arms. The environment, the images, and the high pitch drone of the movie had such an affect on me that I left the museum shaking and utterly terrified. It must have been the best exhibit I've ever seen.

After that, still shaking, I walked down Haupstraße, ate a pretzel (it was good), ate gelato (it was good), bought a silly gift for my brother, and killed time waiting for my bus by walking to the other side of the river. I think the highlight of my whole day was when I asked the woman at the Gelateria for my favorite flavor of gelato, Stracciatella (a super Italian sounding word). My Italian accent must have been awesome, because she took my order and spoke to me in Italian. Relishing in this and delighted that she had just said "allora, ecco" to me instead of "now here's" (and was also really, really nice), I decided I was thirsty and asked for "una Fanta, per favore." I might just speak Italian for the rest of the trip

Anyway, that's today. Short things:
The only place I even see people my age is at stores or walking on the street, and I don't know how to approach a large group of adolescents without being sneered at (Tried that the first day, remember?) At the bus stop today I tried talking to a nice looking grandma and she didn't speak English. I'm probably going sit next to someone on the boatride tomorrow.
Red paths on the sidewalks are for bikes. If you don't ride a bike and walk on the path, you will be hit by a biker (not me, someone else).
Apparently Germany is known for their Turkish Döner Kebabs, which I'm pretty sure are just Gyros. If all else fails, I will have a Döner Kebab by the end of the trip (though I have a sneaking suspicion the Kebab store also sells sausages....)
Here's a link to the brochure from the creepy exhibit. There are stills from the video you can see what I'm talking about.

Tschüs!

Germany 2

To start, when I arrived back at the Guesthouse from my last shift I was asleep for twenty minutes when suddenly the people renovating the house I'm staying in decided to start using the loudest equipment (chainsaws? machine guns?) they had opposite the wall my bed is on. I screamed "Some of us work the night shift and have to sleep! Bitte, Raus!" They stopped for another twenty minutes and as soon as I started dozing off again, they turned the machines back on. "Halt! Raus! Raus!" I screamed. Silence, but another twenty minutes later they were at it again. This went on till about 10:00 when I was so fed up that I brought my bed into the bathroom and slept there since it's the furthest room from mine. It was pretty silly when my roommate arrived from his shift at 1:00 and had to use the bathroom; I shouted "Wait! I can explain!"

Anyway, I thought I'd start with some more observations.
Observation 6.
The snails and slugs here are hilariously large. Like, the snail's shell must be a good three inches in diameter, and the slugs are six-inch-long bright orange (when they're alive) or dull brown-ish (when they're dead) monsters. They are only this large to make you feel painfully guilty and disgusted when you step on them, which you will inevitably do since it is always wet here.

Observation 7.
All of the old people walk with these strange canes that look exactly like ski poles except they're rubber on the bottom. It's as if some ski manufacturer had to liquidate their supply so they just convinced all of the old people that they needed these ridiculous canes.

Observation 8.
The only people with German accents are scientists and old people. Most Germans go to classical high schools where they are required to learn two other languages, and usually pick English and Latin, so their accents are flawless. The scientists don't go to classical high schools (they go to science ones, dummy), and so their English has had far less time to develop.

Observation 9.
I am the only person who pays for the bus. I don't understand why- every other person just walks on and walks off; maybe they'll look at the bus driver and smile. I'm assuming they've paid for some monthly card or something but if they have, I haven't seen one. Also, the same driver drives the same bus every day, so I'm hoping by my last day the driver will just let me go. The guy even asked me how I was doing today and said "cheers" when I got off.

Observation 10.
This one goes hand in hand with Observation 9. There is a single raised seat diagonally behind the bus driver, and a different little old lady sits in it every time. She proceeds to make loud conversation with the driver, and sometimes she'll even hand him a fistful of sucking candies.

That's what I've noticed today. Also, I've taken pictures to confirm some of my observations, and counted another two people missing hands/arms.

As for my day, basically yesterday I walked through the entire town of Heidelberg to get to the castle, so today I used the tour book I got yesterday to see all of the stuff I missed. Heidelberg is completely centered around its university, and every building in Aldstadt, the old part of the town, that isn't a house, store or restaurant seems to be associated with the university in some way. The university is one of the oldest ones in Europe and dates back to the 14th century, but most of the buildings, except for the Castle and an old prison for witches (some would say it's bewitched heh heh), are from the 18th century as the whole city was razed during the religious conflicts.

I started my day looking for a power adapter for my laptop and found it after a twenty minute walk, tried explaining to the woman behind the counter (in broken German!) that I needed it for my job and that she should give it to me cheaper, and ultimately she didn't speak German or English well herself and couldn't be convinced (she didn't know what a Physiker or a Universität was). I walked all the way to the end of the town where there is an arch (Karlstor) and then doubled back to look at the architecture and major landmarks- most of the university buildings were built in the Baroque style, while most of the other buildings were built in the Neogothic and Neorenaissance styles. It's pretty.

I think my favorite part of the day was seeing the Church of the Holy Spirit in the Marketplatz. It's alright on the outside, but I loved the stained glass windows- on the right, all but one of the windows are old and patterned, while on the left they're really modern and abstract. The first window on the right side was amazing- it was in commemoration of Hiroshima, had a picture of the world cracked in half with an "E=mc^2" and a verse which I could only guess was from Revelations (I could be wrong but it would make sense, right?)

After all that walking (I basically traversed the entire length of the city three times in two hours) I stopped at a cafe. Basically, I sat down, pointed to the menu and said "that." One of the words looked like it could have been something sausage related so I was a little disappointed when I received nothing but a hard boiled egg and a basket of bread and jam, so I just ordered a tall pilsner on top of my mediocre feast and was happy anyway. There were a few students from the university chuckling at my obvious American-ness so I shrugged, smiled at them and raised my glass.

How to be a good tourist:
1. Accept that you are a tourist and will probably never fit in with the rest of the town
2. Buy a guide book, put it in your back pocket and make sure the name of the town you're in is visible (plus-people will look at your butt!)
3. Find a crowd of locals, take a picture of something they take for granted in front of them
4. Take a picture of something they didn't even know was important (Frommers told you)
5. Shrug and smile at everyone who laughs at you
6. Buy something really traditional and flaunt it (like two biersteins)
7. Order your food by pointing and without asking what you're ordering
8. Smile at everyone and everything
9. Chuckle at yourself- you look ridiculous
10. Realize that you're here to see this town and you have the right to do what you want

Germany 1

If you didn't know, I'm in Germany for the week volunteering at the Max Plank Institut fur Kernphysik in Heidelberg. I've been here for a few days, I've seen some sights, made some observations, etc. Here's what I've got.

Observation 1.
Every German knows English. EVERY ONE. I walked through the main tourist part of Haupstraße. As I approached the store keepers I said my Gut Morgen and my Allos and was greeted with a "fägßßjsekfnsßgeüugfliägge!" To which I responded "heh, uh, english!" and was greeted with the most beautiful of English accents without a single w switched with v or whatever. I thought "heh, must be a tourist thing!" but no, I also went to a regular old supermarket and the man behind the counter, who didn't look nearly as refined, understood quite clearly that I needed to pay for my beer on a separate tab because Columbia would only reimburse me for essential items.

Observation 2.
For some reason, a massive amount of people in Germany (comparatively) are missing limbs. Okay, in America, maybe once in a blue moon you'll see someone with a prosthetic. In one hour, I saw four women who were missing one or both hands and a fifth who had her wrist in her pocket, but with no visible bulge where a hand would be.

Observation 3.
Germans are serious about their ß's. REALLY serious. Wherever there are two s's in a row, you will see a ß whether it is a German word or not. Heck, I'm surprised the SS didn't just call themselves the ß. My proof? Take the name Gauss. I am working in the physics lab here and if you didn't know, magnets are measured in Gauss, or as they call them here, Gauß. Maybe I'm just being an aßhole, but as an American, It's hard for me to not to be when I myself feel more like an abhole.

Observation 4.
German women are either young, gorgeous and skinny or old, hideous and obese. There is no in between.

Observation 5.
Every American tourist wants a Bierstein. Every German storekeeper wants to sell them a Bierstein. When you walk into a store, they will ask you if you have seen their collection of biersteins. As an American tourist, you will oblige. You will buy one. No exceptions.

So that's what I've noticed in my first day at Heidelberg. The stuff that will be more of interest to my parents and family and closest friends is to follow.

Otherstuff
I am currently sitting in the main lab, about to start hour 4 of my 12 hour night shift. My title is Kernphysiker/Wissenschaftliche Mitarbeiterin at the institute, and the machine I've been working with is a combination particle accelerator/ Test Storage Ring in the hills above Heidelberg. Basically, the particle accelerator takes an element from a foil (We are currently using Gold, but hope to be using Titanium by the end of the week) and passes the element through a Van der Graaf Generator with the hopes of stripping as many electrons as possible from the ion. The storage ring maintains a beam of this ion for as long as possible to measure its lifetime and its velocity. Then, a beam of ultra-cool electrons is lined up with the Titanium. We can measure many things, and what my group hopes to measure is the autoionization and dielectronic recombination rates of the ions. Basically, when the electron beam lines up with the Titanium beam, the titanium ions will pull in electrons into their outermost levels. When this happens, there is a probability that the Titanium will spit the electron out (autoionization) or accept the electron and emit a photon (dielectronic recombination). If the titanium has accepted the electron, it will become a little less positive than the rest of the beam and will bend in one direction. If the titanium has rejected the electron, it will be a little less energetic than the rest of the beam and will bend the other direction. Or something like that.

Today, I went to the Heidelberg Castle, one of the landmarks os the city. It was pretty awesome- it has the worlds largest wine barrel in the basement (55,000 gallons) and all sorts of silly things. Next to the barrel is a statue of "Perkeo," the court jester, who was an italian dwarf who got his name because whenever he was offered wine, he would shout "Perche, no?" (why not?) and chug the glass. He died when he was 80something when he was given water instead of wine (The water was so dirty that most people died when they drank it). Other things- apparently codpieces were used to hold armor up (They were empty) but it became fashionable to have a large codpiece. King Richard III of England is said to have filled his codpiece with "Sweets for the ladies" (badum tss).

I also walked around Haupstraße, the main street, where I basically just bought souvenirs. I walked up to a group of American tourists to see if I could tag along (at this point I had no idea what there was to do in Heidelberg, all I had was a map [I have since purchased a travel guide]) But was greeted with an "of course not, they paid for this!" All of the kids were weird looking anyway. Some misshapen, brace-faced middle school girl winked at me and I realized it was probably better off.

That's about it for today. Some quick notes about my visit-
I had beer and pizza for breakfast both days
Mustard comes in a tube
I need to buy a new travel power adapter
New German architecture is hideous as the Germans invented modernism
German postmodern is even worse
Platz means place, not explode
Fahrt means ride, not fart
Einbahnstraße is not the name of a street
It just means "one way street"
All Germans apologize when you say you're jewish
If they don't they're Nazis.

That's about it. Auf Wiedersehen!

Dads in Music: An brief analysis

Dad: Mr. McLusky
Ballad: "To Hell with Good Intentions"
Rad: He's much bigger than your dad and can assuredly beat him up. Plus, he's got eight cars and a house in Ireland.
Bad: The house in Ireland is pretty much a wooden shack. Plus, he's constantly disappointed in his children, given that they do more drugs than a touring funk band.

Dad: Mr. Deacon
Ballad: "Snake Mistakes"
Rad: He's the coolest dad in Dad School High, and does not break any Dad Rules. Plus, he can pick li'l Dan up if he ever asked him to.
Bad: He's got a car while he's still in Dad School and he limits his pick-up behavior to Dan Deacon? That's a real "snake mistake," if you know what I mean.

Dad: Mr. Man in the Moon
Ballad: "Cat's in the Cradle"
Rad: Raised Little Boy Blue to be exactly like him. That shows some strong and effective parental influence. Plus, he's got his cat's in cradles with silver spoons; that bastard must be loaded!
Bad: Raised Little Boy Blue to be exactly like him. Turns out the Man in the Moon was a workaholic and a neglectful dick. Plus, who can live well knowing that they became their parents?

Dad: Mr. Daddy
Ballad: "What Would You Do"
Rad: Spends some time out of prison. To his credit, his baby's momma is also not the only person in the world with a baby.
Bad: Unreliable, could either be smoking rock or going back to prison at this very moment. One way or another, he's not caring for his hungry child.

Dad: Mr. Lonni
Ballad: Also "What Would You Do"
Rad: Raised agile daughters.
Bad: Foiled by his sole point of radness, his daughters were able to swiftly escape him before he could rape them.

Dad: Mr. O'Blivion
Ballad: "Father O'Blivion"
Rad: Excellent chef and pastor, inordinately gigantic penis.
Bad: Very clumsy, believes leprechauns exist in Alaska. Clearly, they only live in Mobile, Alabama.

Dad: Mr. Christmas
Ballad: "Father Christmas"
Rad: Is Santa Clause, makes the whole world happier by dispensing joy and silly toys.
Bad: Is easily intimidated by destitute Brits

Dad: Mr. Twin
Ballad: "Come to Daddy"
Rad: Is very fertile.
Bad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH