Dadrock

The only good thing that came out of last night (The cap of the worst day ever) was the elaboration on and complete reclassification of rock music, only this time with "dad rock," inherently uncool music from the late sixties to the late seventies, as the cornerstone. Here we go.

*note- I get it, I'm lampooning all of your favorite bands, blah blah blah. If you don't like it there's a nice red X on the top right corner of your page that'll get rid of it.

1940s-1955 Funk, Blues, Rock.

Dadrock and Rock have the same origins with Chuck Berry, Elvis, and the like. It is cool to enjoy these bands as they are the "original" rockers, so while dads may enjoy them, they are not really classifiable as dadrock.

1956-1965, Protodadrock

It all started here, with bubble gum and the British invasion. This music, as it is not the Beatles, has been labelled as completely uncool by every scene and therefore, the origin of dadrock, the uncoolest music around. Protodadrock is characterized by jangly chords, mushroom cuts and ridiculous, senseless lyrics that only a dad could enjoy.

1963-1968, Dad Folk

Every once in a while your dad will put on a Dad Folk album by such artists as Bob Dylan and Simon and Garfunkel. Your dad only listened to this stuff because it was the only crap his dad would let him listen to. (See dadrock revival for the same phenomenon occurring between you and your dad)

1965-1969, The Beatles.

Your dad hated the Beatles. He only says he likes them now because they're "the best rock group of all time" or some shit. Trust me, he thought the beatles were for pussies. At this point, if he was old enough, your dad was probably listening to Cream, Traffic, Canned Heat, The Rolling Stones and the Doors. Only once he and his buddies became sexually active did he realize that you had to like the Beatles to get any, and by the time that came around, your dad had discovered...

1968-1971, Dadadelic Rock

The Grateful Dead, The Allman Brothers, The Doors, Parliament/Funkadelic (eh, okay, and maybe the Beatles a little bit). Your dad was smoking weed because everyone else was, but trust me, he was not doing LSD. He's your dad for christ sakes. Your dad was listening to these bands because he heard on the news that the Kool-Aid acid tests and all that jazz were hip, but since your dad wasn't participating in any of that, he was living vicariously through this "music." Your dad didn't actually enjoy any of it, either. When he puts this stuff on now, it's only because he's got nostalgia from the time where he thought he was as cool as you think you are now.

1971-1985, The Dad Rock Golden Age

And then, with the breakup of the Beatles, your dad was free to express himself and listen to the Daddiest, Uncoolest music ever. Starting with Led Zeppelin and encompassing Blue Oyster Cult, Black Sabbath and all prog rock, then ending with Dad Rock Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, this was the era of your dad slowly turning into your dad. It was at this point that he, using his leather jacket and bell-bottoms, met your mom. While there are many splinter divisions such as Dad Metal (Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, AC/DC) Hard Dad (Zeppelin, Blue Oyster Cult) and Nu Dad(Boston, Kansas, and PINK FLOYD), these are all lumped together as dad rock, the stuff you only listen to because your dad likes it and the stuff your dad legitimately thought was cool (come on, all you teenagers listening to Q104.3 or whatever, you can't seriously think it's cool to listen to, right? Your DAD liked it).

1978-1985, Altdad

While most dads were banging their heads to the aforementioned shit, a select few were enjoying bands like Joy Division, The Ramones, and the Clash. These dads died of heroine overdoses before they had you, and they are WAY cooler than your dad.

1985-1991, Progdadrock

Your dad was getting older. At this point, either he was trying desperately to remember the sixties, the seventies, or some other point in time, but at the same time, trying to stay with the times. Bands like Poison, Motley Crue, Def Leppard and ultimately Guns n Roses took the themes presented by their dad rock predecessors and tried to make it as undadly as possible by growing some long ass hair and adding weirdo instruments your dad could barely comprehend (what the hell's a synthesizer!?). These bands still had those rockin' guitar solos your dad loved and remembered, but at the same time made bandanas, long hair, and denim jackets, cool again. This music was the culmination of everything dad adn nowadays it is, in fact, the least cool music imaginable.

1991-2001, The Dad Dark Ages

At this point, your dad was raising your sorry ass and was too busy fucking your mother to care about music. Try asking your dad about Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Green Day, The Smashing Pumpkins, or Jane's Addiction. Chances are, he either never heard of them, or would never listen to them, because from a dad's point of view, NOTHING is as cool as that Ratt bandana.

2001-Present, Dadrock Revival

Finally, Shit your dad could listen to again! With bands that you think are god awful, such as Nickelback, Hinder and Wolfmother, getting big, you wonder why anyone listens to any of it. It's because these bands have put their own flare on dadrock and have "brought it back" so to speak. The only people who listen to these bands are dads, children of dads who listened to way too much "classical rock," and you because this is the only music your dad will let you listen to in the house. Dads think that they're cool because they've started listening to these CDs instead of cassettes and records, but most people just look on in disgust. Some of these bands actually are good, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but these bands usually are crossovers and incorporate enough elements of non-dad rock to be pretty cool.

Also, I heard Green Day on Q104.3 last week, automatically qualifying "American Idiot" as Dadrock revival.

So, you're probably thinking, okay, I get it, but what about Mo-town? Disco? Ska? Rap? Stuff I listen to?

Well, the first two genres aren't really "rock" so I'm not classifying them with dad rock. Ska is too fast for your father and there's nothing rock about a trumpet. Rap, even old school rap, is still cool today, and your father won't like it until you've completely forgotten about it. Anything you listen to today won't be classifiable dad-music until he starts listening to it, and he won't start listening to it until it's presented to him, and that won't be for another twenty years, so don't worry about your dad jamming to 3oh!3 or any emo shit or whatever you like, be it lo-fi, punk, art rock or whatever, because, well, that'll be your dadrock.

Thanks for reading, and remember, always remember to rock out with your pops out.