Nothing to say but saying a lot

Does anyone else feel like they've been eaten by their computer? My mind seems to be melting out of my ears. I think in 140 character status updates. I study in 20 minute intervals padded with 2 hour facebook sessions. I don't know if what I'm like on the computer is what I'm like in real life. I really enjoy staring blankly at nothing important. I get angry at things that don't affect me. I really like knit sweaters. If I had a role model, I would say it was Matt Schantz. I rarely focus on particulars; solely on the wider scope. Some people like things about me that I don't like about me. I would rather do nothing than something most of the time. If I put too much thought into something, I start to feel like it isn't worth thinking about anymore. I'm afraid you're going to read this and think I'm going insane. Sometimes I think I'm going insane but I'm probably not. Chances are you're going to read this and not think anything at all. Chances are higher that you aren't going to read this.

I fucking hate midterms

I LOVE MY MAC

The 17 inch behemoth my parents bought me for my graduation is the most amazing thing in the whole world.

But everyone else is saying the same thing.

So instead, I'm just going to post this mp3, made in garage band, featuring me, Ryan Awesomeguy, on the Jawharp.

CLICCACLICCA

Hypocrite

I am the world's biggest hypocrite. Serously.

Since freshman year, I was the bubbly, happy person, bouncing around classrooms, making jokes and taunting teachers. I watched as my peers succumbed to pressures, got together, broke up, complained, angsted, and all of these things.

Being unable to relate, I criticized.
"You just want attention." "There's no such thing as angst." "Teenage depression is just your yearning for attention."

After a sudden change, they are the ones with the last laugh.

Today, I woke up at 8. I layed in my bed until 10, plagued with the worst stomachache I've ever had. Thinking I could make it go away by forgetting about it, I showered then drove to school. I returned home and sat on the computer. I sat there for four hours doing nothing but checking my facebook and sitting. At 4 I broke up with my girlfriend. I then went to tell her best friend. At 7 I went to dinner, but of course, no appetite. I had three dumplings, came home and vomited. I tried watching Forrest Gump but instead curled on the floor of the bathroom in a fetal position. I will be going to bed soon.

I need some help, please.

Something better happen quick!

I used to be such a carefree guy- I could spend a night happy, with no strange, ominous or sad thoughts, with my friends. However, in the wake of a few funerals and the biggest transition I'll probably ever have to make close in sight, It's no wonder I'm becoming a little existential.

Whenever I used to think about death, I used to have all of these little coincidences I would remember and "prove" to me the existence of god, and therefore, of a heaven. For example, I listened to a band called Lectrolux, then the next day found an "Electrolux" vacuum in my house. Another time, I was listening to "Like a Stone" by Audioslave while I was sitting in the car, and as I looked out the window during the guitar solo, cars were coming by exactly to the tune of the guitar. Then, one day I found a list of schools an abandoned notebook that was identical to the list of schools I was applying to. After these experiences, I thought god had "proven" to me that he was there for me.

Now, as I realize that I have aged somewhat, these thoughts no longer assuage, and whenever I think of death, especially of how close it really is, I am overcome with images of eternal sleep, dirt, and blackness.

And that scares the SHIT out of me.

What's worse is that the malaise that comes with these feelings just doesn't go away. Constantly tugging on the back of my mind are these dark, hopeless thoughts that do nothing but give me stomachaches. I try everything -- setting goals, calling friends, listening to happy music... things that once comforted me and made me feel special -- things that once helped me feel better but now only serve as minor distractions.

I need to find or do something that makes me feel as if life isn't just the time you spend waiting to die, that I have some purpose or task I have to do.

Maybe I just need to get my ass off the computer.

"Pretentious"

Someone just told me that my screenname, fmsbw***, is pretentious.
I don't think people quite understand the word.

Liking Dostoyevsky for the sake of telling people you've read the Brothers Karamazov is pretentious.
Reading the calculus textbook just so you can show everyone how good you are at calculus is pretentious.
Eating foie gras but not liking the taste is pretentious.
Listening to Beethoven to tell people you're high society is pretentious.

The fact that my screenname is a poem from an art movement I'm really interested in is not pretentious.
Taking notes on a textbook for a physics class is not pretentious.
Listening to Bach because your mother plays it in the car is not pretentious.
And for gods sake, liking Creme Brulee because it's fucking delicious is NOT pretentious.

Therefore, please stop calling me pretentious unless you sense that I'm doing stuff just so people think I'm high society. It's not my fault I like things that some people consider pretentious, that's just how things've worked out.

However, claiming that I know what's pretentious and what's not is pretty pretentious so uh, sorry

Woo!

Stanford Early Action- Rejected
Saint Johns- Accepted without applying, then unaccepted (what?)
Stony Brook Honors- Accepted
Tulane Honors- Accepted
Caltech- Waitlisted (place on the waitlist turned down)
Duke- Accepted (+ likely letter!)
MIT- Rejected
University of Chicago- Accepted
Yale- Rejected
Princeton- Rejected
Harvard- Waitlisted (currently on the waitlist)
Columbia- Accepted

Final count, 5-4-2
Respectable if you ask me, but I'm no 6'6" half black, half asian supergenius like Jamison :p

Anyway, now I've got three US News number eights to choose from and I think Chicago might be the answer. Hip hip, hooray!

One week

I'm sitting here counting down the freakin' omer...
Six days, nineteen hours, 16 minutes.

I GOT INTO DUKE

Or at least likely letter-d.
WOOOO

MIT Admissions

Shit goes up Saturday.
FUUUCKKK MYYY LIFFEEE

Waitlisted '13

I got waitlisted at Caltech
I'm not pissed.
Well, maybe a little.

Complain, complain. That's all I ever do.

I've beeen waiting for the pleasure of senioritis since freshman year and somehow I've been guilted into doing all of my homework. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why can't I slack off like everyone else?

Angst Sonnet

Today's sonnet's personal.

I fucked up big time 'cuz I told a lie-
I told it to a girl I used to trust.
But what she did has somehow made me cry
And I hope that others will treat me just.
For though appalling my actions may be,
to me betrayal is a crime far worse.
Well, take for truth this lie I told did she...
I asked her not to tell- that was my curse.
Now three days later everyone's found out
For two she's told and they've told all the rest
And soon found out she who the lie's about
So I must sit here and clean up this mess.
The moral here is lying's asinine,
But divulging friends' secrets is a crime.

And I return

I've let the blog lay fallow for two point five months and I think I may be ready to return to the whole write-down-how-I-feel thing.

Since December 15th, I've applied to ten colleges and gotten into two of them.
I went to California
I was chosen to be Oscar in the school production of the Odd Couple
I've managed to memorize very little of my part in the time I've been given
I've gotten more spiritual
I've bought 3 kidrobot sweatshirts.

Right now, I've finished applying for financial aid and I'm hawking over my e-mail to see if I've gotten any mail from any schools. I still have to read the gov chapter but I probably won't, and I still have to do some Italian HW and I probably will.

My overall mood was comparable to that of Bambi after his mother was shot for until February break, but then I met some nice people, got some e-mails and got a whole lotta kidrobot stuff. Since then, I've been a lot more content.

Anything else? I re-did my altar to give it a more Discordian taste. The offering bowl to Eris is now in the middle instead of under everything, and since shit's been going well I've been sacrificing a little bit more to her (Heck, I asked her to get rid of a bout of hiccups for me and poof, gone). Weird? Eh, maybe. Do I know anything about discordianism? No. Still gotta read the Principia, but hey, offering to Eris seems to be working so w/e.

I guess that's everything. Talk to ya later, blog.

PS- Don't ever read Sartre's No Exit and Camus' The Stranger in the same night. EVER.

Stanford 2013?

I am dejected,

Which rhymes with rejected

Which is what I am.

Blogs...

I read other people's blogs and no one reads mine. It's hideously depressing. maybe I should put labels on this post or something.

Everyone says
"You're in, you're in!"
But still you know,
There's not just an in,
For three weeks drag on,
Stalled cars on side streets,
Just waiting for answers.
The tow truck won't come
but for not a truck in tow
do you wait,
but a letter
THE letter!
Pinned to the back
and still weeks must you wait.
With the letter, your fate
10 percent yes, and still 90 no,
And you sit here and pray
but that's all you can do
a minute, one day
and one day, a year
a week is a lifetime
And never, I fear
Will my tow truck come in
With a "YES!" on the back

And so for the 15th, I wait and I sigh
For that day life begins
Or that day, I'll die.

HMGHHNRHN

DECEMBER 15TH
HNNNGHHHHHH

It's been a while again.

I've been remiss in updating my blog because life is a lot of work :(
Princeton interview Monday, Harvard interview next week. Term paper I haven't yet started due December 8th. Scholarship applications. Stanford says I 'm missing a teacher recommendation, I hear back December 15th. Prepare for Model Congress. Get shirts. LMCXXXIX. Road test December 23rd.

January 1st, bliss.

The Definitive Guide to Taking the SATs and ACTs for the Nervous Testtaker

My tutor told me the day before my SATs that I wouldn't break 2000. Well, I did. I don't know how, because I hated preparing for the test and I usually just fucked around instead of preparing.
I ended up scoring pretty high.
Anyway, for anyone who's interested in what I do before each test, maybe this guide will help you.

MOST IMPORTANT- REDUCE STRESS!
Kvetching about your standardized tests will get you nowhere, but sometimes people can't just eliminate their stress. However, here are a few things I do to relieve stress a bit:
1. Take your mind off the test.
-The less you think about the test, the less stressed you get. Try going out for dinner the night before instead of taking one last practice test.
-The morning of the test, think about how great it'll be after the test is over.
-Sleep less. This works especially well for the SATIIs because they're shorter and for the ACTs which require less reasoning. If you think about being tired, you don't think about testing
2. Do something stress relieve-y.
-Bike to the test center
-Squeeze those stress reliever ball things
-(or the other balls... You know what I'm talking about...)
-Listen to music you'd normally listen to to get to sleep!
-Take a good shit. Really, it's great before a test.

RITUALS/PLACEBOS
Hey, if you think it's working for you, it'll work for you.
1. Lucky writing utensil!
2. Talisman of sort?
3. Anything you do for luck really.

ATTIRE/HYGEINE
Don't dress to impress. It's a test for chrissakes.
1. Take the test in PJs. It's fantastic.
2. Shower or brush your teeth right before the test. If you don't feel clean you won't focus on the test.
3. Guys- wear boxer briefs. Maximum Support!
Girls- your most comfortable undies. Comfort starts from underneath!

PHYSICAL PREPARATION
1. Eat enough so you aren't hungry for breakfast, but don't eat so much that you feel full. Feeling hungry or full only takes your mind off the test.
2. Don't sleep too much or too little. Either way, you'll be tired. Don't go to bed at the crack of dawn, but don't go to bed as if you were in preeschool.

MENTAL PREPARATION
1. Don't cram. You'll forget all of that stuff at the time of the test anyway.
2. It's only as fun/boring/stupid as you make it. Go into the test center and act like you're just hanging out with your friends. Convince yourself the test is fun and maybe it'll be fun.

oh yeah, and maybe sign up for a tutor or something. that shit don't help anyway.

But seriously, just try to make yourself as happy, relaxed, and comfortable as possible and your 650+s and 30+s will come.