Monday, June 28, 2010

The Best Day of My Life


Last week was the worst day of my life. I had a shitty day at work and all I wanted was some Taco Bell, so I ordered my favorite- a Crunchwrap Supreme. Upon receiving it, I was handed nothing more than a wrap- my CWS was neither crunchy nor supreme. There was no crunch, no lettuce, no tomato, and the sour cream tasted like yogurt. I promptly emailed the Taco Bell Customer Service Site detailing this experience as ironically and as Ryan Mandelbaum-y as possible. This is what I received in the mail today. IN THE MAIL. LIKE, AN ACTUAL LETTER.

June 25th, 2010
Ryan Mandelbuam
----------------- Avenue
----------, NY, 1----

Dear Ryan Mandelbaum,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your experience at Taco Bell. Comments from our customers are very important to us, and we appreciate yours.

At Taco Bell, we strive to ensure that all of our restaurants meet every customer's expectations. So when a valued customer like you takes the time to contact us, we take it seriously. For this reason, I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate team members in order to help us toward continuous improvement.

Once again, thank you for your comments. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience you may have experienced. (Begin best day ever) WE HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT THE ENCLOSED COUPON AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION FOR YOUR COMMENTS. We look forward to welcoming you back to the great taste of Taco Bell.

Sincerely,
Alwin (that's how it's spelled on the letter)
Guest Service Representative

We Care!

VALID GUEST COUPON
ONE FREE ITEM OF YOUR CHOICE




YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


Sunday, June 27, 2010

Definitive Proof of NNNNGGGHHH

This is what our world has come to.

DUDE YOU GOT MAAAAD BALLS


Why on earth would Jelly Belly sell an entire bag solely composed of the worst flavor of Jelly Beans?


AWWWWW YEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Definitive proof of not god

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs094/en/

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_net_worth_of_soulja_boy

Friday, June 25, 2010

Definitive Proof of God

1. Justify human existence without God
2. Justify human existence with God

or for you physics types

1. Explain the Universe without God
2. Explain the Universe with God


3. Apply Occam's Razor

Monday, June 14, 2010

Germany 7 and last

Today was my last full day in Deutschland, albeit a successful one.

Observation 25.
You know those crutches that hook around your arms and that you automatically associate with a born disability, like the one Jimmy from south park uses? In Germany, if you have even the slightest limp, you use those.

Observation 26.
For the best, most fit people in the world, Hitler, you Germans sure do have a crap-ton of deformities

Observation 27.
Have you ever noticed that the harder you look for something, once you find it, the more common it becomes? (ie, I had two bratwursts today)

Alright, so, remember that the last time I slept was 3PM yesterday.
I got back from the lab this morning, downed two cups of coffee, and took a fifteen minute nap. Apparently this can make one feel alert for a long period of time- it made me feel caffeinated and tired at the same time. Anyway, I took the bus to the trains station ("Hauptbahnhof") and after fumbling with the German ticket machine and ultimately getting some help from the attendant, I was on the 9:30 train to Worms (with a change at Mannheim- kind of like changing at Jamaica). I always assumed the tourist helper/travel agent people at the train stations were supposed to speak English, but when I arrived at Worms Hbf, the woman didn't speak a lick of it. She did know the word for "map" though so that was okay. Anyway, I had decided that I would plan my trip for Worms once I got a map, and since this map was terrible, I did no planning. I was pretty sad but decided I'd have to start somewhere, so I found the Jewish Cemetery (the oldest Jewish Cemetery in Europe, mind you) and walked around, said some prayers, etc. I couldn't read any individual graves (they were all in Yiddish and/or Hebrew) but I could tell that they were damn old. The one grave I did see was the oldest one in the cemetery- from 1070AD.

After that, I kind of wandered towards the main cathedral when I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a colorful sheet of paper with lots of notes on it. Proud of me for being so respectful at his house of worship, I'm pretty sure G-d himself placed it there- a full color map of Worms, complete with two walking tour routes of the city, labels for the twenty attractions, and facts about all twenty. Made my day far more enjoyable.

Before I talk about seeing the City, let me talk about the city itself. Worms is really old and has some fantastic pieces of architecture. However, there is almost no context as all the buildings are built in completely different styles. Heidelberg has an "old city," and even though all of the buildings are from post 1750, they have a theme that ties them together, one that even the modern buildings try to either match or back down from. In Worms, people just built whatever, wherever, so you have a mess of architectural styles, mostly gross modern Walter Gropius apartment buildings that make most of the city look kind of like Central American slums. In addition, the only way I think I can describe Worms is in comparison to Heidelberg- Heidelberg is classy, Worms is trashy. Both cities take pride in their culture, but while Heidelberg tries to fit in with it, shape it, and apply it, Worms flaunts it- it only matters to them that they are "Germany's Oldest City;" they don't care about what it is that makes them the oldest. Lets make an American comparison. If Heidelberg is an auto show, Worms is a NASCAR event. Also, in general, the people in Worms are either mullet-bedecked or hair straightened cigarette smoking teenagers, dark old fat people, and deformed adults. Not a single pretty blond-haired German college girl in sight.

Not to say I didn't enjoy the town; I loved it. I just wanted to point this out.

Anyway, my tour took me all about the town- mostly to places where Martin Luther went, thought, and spoke during the Diet of Worms. These were fairly uninteresting since most of these sites have since been replaced by modern monuments and because I think Martin Luther was a huge asshole. Anyway, then I got to some of the real interesting parts- before WWII, Worms had a very large Jewish population and an extraordinarily old synagogue dating from the 1030s. Though most of the Jeiwsh Quarter ("Judengasse") was destroyed during Krystallnacht, after the war the stones and debris was used to rebuild the quarter which now serves as a sort of modern museum. The synagogue itself also has an extremely old mikvah (pool used for spiritual and religious purposes, kind of like a baptismal font) and some relics from before it was destroyed the first time. After seeing the temple (which has a memorial in it for Worms' holocaust victims attempting to name all of them, fyi) and saying a prayer for the dead, I went off to see some more of the city. The tour took me to a few monasteries dating from the 1400s, the Nibelungen bridge (with a really wacky looking tower, look it up), past one of very few Renaissance-era buildings still privately owned, and onto the town hall. Also, the entire thing led along the Old town wall, parts of which date back to the Roman Era, but most of which have been reused as parts of homes or museums and stuff.

The tour ended with the Cathedral, built in the Romanesque style in the 12th century. It was gorgeous- built in stone, and the altar was about the size of my house and all gold. There were loads of stone reliefs on the walls and the church was so massive, whenever a noise was made it seemed to reverberate to infinity. It was pretty kickass.

Anyway, after seeing the cathedral my feel hurt, it was lunch time, and I felt as like it was time to go to sleep. There was a museum of Worms' history and I didn't want to see it but would have felt guilty if I missed it, but it ended up being closed so I meandered back to the Hbf, grabbed a pretzel, and passed out on the train. When I arrived back at the Heidelberg Hbf, a bratwurst cart mysteriously appeared on the platform, so I had a massive brat sandwich for only 2 bucks. Even better- the guy started talking to me in German, I looked at him blankly, and then he began to speak Italian. HE THOUGHT I WAS ITALIAN (i think.) Finally, I got to the bus stop and laughed with an old man about how "Deutsch" is "Tedesco" in Italian (he asked me what language I spoke and I was already on a roll so...) since "Tedesco" was the only Italian word he knew (He spoke zero English, I later confirmed) and Deutsch is just about the only German word I know.

Then, instead of going back to the Kernphysikalisches Institut, I decided I would spend my last day in Heidelberg overlooking the city, so I took my bus to the last stop, the aptly named "Königstuhl ("King's Throne"), a 550 meter peak and the tallest mountain in the Neckar River valley. It was a clear day and you could see everything for about 35km- you could even see Worms through the little observer glasses!

So that's about it, and this would be my last journal entry for my trip to Germany. I hope you enjoyed reading it, because I sure as hell enjoyed experiencing it, and maybe next time I leave the country I'll actually have someone to go with so I don't develop a German accent simply because the only person I have to speak to is Dietrich.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Germany 6

Tomorrow I'm going to Worms, and the lab won't be open for me to check my internet when I get back, so I'll probably write Germany 7 either at home in NY or at the airport if there's WiFi. Also, tonight will be my only all nighter- I'm leaving for Worms as soon as I get off of my shift (after taking a 15 minute caffeine nap, that is) as it is about 45 minutes from Heidelberg (sleep is for the weak, G(tb)^2)

Observation 22.
Lots of Germans are really into soccer. Most Germans are really NOT into the Germans who are really into soccer.

Observation 23.
If you own a blue and orange "Education First Credit Union" backpack (I'm looking at you, Emilio) you are American. And it's not like just one person owns it, too. Everyone who is both American and In Germany Right Now owns one.

Observation 24.
Yesterday, one of those little old ladies threw me out of the way because I was waiting to pay for the bus and I guess I was blocking the door. She was strong as hell.


This morning I did like I always do- I set my alarm for 1:15 and went to bed. When I woke up, however, I looked at my clock, and to my horror, it said 3:45. I had set my clock for 1:15AM on accident. I was about to cry. The museum I really wanted to go to closed at 5, I didn't think I'd make it to the store I wanted to go to, and the next bus wouldn't come until 4:45. I kind of freaked out, got dressed in a hurry, and sprinted to the security desk. "Cab! I need to call a cab!" he didn't speak English so I had to phone the main office of the institute. I gave the cab guy directions and made it to the museum at 4:15. I made it to the door, but when I looked in, all the lights were out and there was a sign about something from June 1 to July 1. Apparently, the museum is closed this month. I ran to the store. All German stores are closed on Sunday. I didn't know if I should be really miserable or somewhat relieved, until I looked up. There he was, Perkeo the drunken Italian Dwarf* from the Heidelberg Castle, dancing with a cup of wine in his hand, and emblazoned on a wooden sign above a cafe. He was calling my name. I knew he had some secret hiding up his sleeve*, and I knew that there was a reason why today had happened in that manner*.

It was fucking Bratwurst time.*

I was a little hesitant to sit down at first. After all, this restaurant could just be a breakfast place like the first one. Or maybe it was an Italian restaurant. Maybe I would explode with anticipation the sausage arrived.* I walked in and shakily asked the waitress "Do you have Bratwurst? It's my last day in the city and I have yet to have any German Sausage*" She turned to me and said "of course we have bratwurst!" I almost hugged her with glee. I sat down. Why do I need to look at a menu? I know what I want! Wait, what if I get salami again! I looked, located the Bratwurst on the menu under "Pork Dishes ("Fuck yes this menu is in English")" and before the waitress had even arrived at my table I said "Pfälzisches Bratwurst and a Coffee, please." She must have thought I was crazy. I was crazy. Crazy for goddamn German sausage.*****

The dish arrived shortly after. It was a long, pale link, balanced gently atop a hill of mashed potatoes and a matching hill of sauerkraut. two strips of bacon lie beside masterpiece drizzled with brown gravy, like hot fudge on a banana split. A garnish of lettuce and tomato filled out the final quarter of the plate. I started with the potato- one has to get used to the water before they can jump in- it was fluffy and almost earthy, as if the potato had only recently left the ground. The sauerkraut was tangy, yet crisp- they had made it in the restaurant. Then I got to the sausage. The outside was crisp and snapped as I cut it, the inside was completely uniform (no chunks like other sausages) and tender. Then to the bacon. I knew Germany was known for its pork products- I didn't know that the Bacon would almost outshine the Bratwurst. It was almost fatless and greaseless, and was neither too crispy nor too floppy. It was almost more like Canadian bacon, yet in taste, though it was extremely light and not nearly as overpowering as bacon's flavor tends to be, it was distinctively bacon. I had a forkful of all four elements mixed together. These flavors were made for each other.

I slowly made my way to the end of the meal, taking bites of sausage, then kraut, then bacon, then potato, then all three. I scraped the plate clean, sat back, and smiled. Okay, so maybe I'm kind of exaggerating, but if you know me you know I love to eat, and I think this meal was the closest thing to spiritual ecstasy I have ever achieved, especially after the six days I had to wait for it and the fear I wouldn't have it at all. I topped it off with a glass of beer, and thought back to the name of the meal. Pfälzisches Bratwurst, "Sausage of the Palatinate." My chair became my throne, my beer my goblet, and my waitress my servant. I was Lord of Perkeo's Restaurant and Coffeehouse.

I mean, I did other things to- I walked through the old Jewish quarter and said a prayer on a memorial for the Holocaust victims of Heidelberg (Built on the foundation of a synagogue burned down during Krystallnacht) and walked through a suburb of the town trying to find the other castle in Heidelberg (I failed, it was a mile further away than I thought), but this is German Sausage we're talking about. It deserves a day to itself.



*That's what she said
-it was really hard not to just make this entire post a drawn out sexual innuendo so I typed it up first then inserted *s where necessary

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Germany 5

For some reason I'm absolutely wired right now. No idea why. Also, apparently my professor and all the other professors in the lab were talking about me last night and determined that I must have been super human because they've never seen anyone work the night shift and sightsee simultaneously, and I've done nothing but sightsee apparently. For today's little extra thing I'll put my schedule to show how I've made it work.

Observation 17.
German men don't use cologne or products that make them smell nice (Deoderant? Maybe). Someone I spoke to described how here, men are all about showing off their individual "natural musk." That's fantastic, German men. You all smell like sweaty armpits.

Observation 18.
The people here who own dogs either own German Shepherds, Border Collies, or Huskies (Although I did see this one family with a dog that looked just like Alf). I haven't seen a terrier since I've gotten here.

Observation 19.
German men are generally either fat and sweaty, old and wrinkly, or tall and awkward. They all have gorgeous girlfriends.

Observation (Wikipedia Factoid) 20,
Apparently, 60% of Germans put that they speak English "well" or "very well" on their Census forms. I think the percentage of people speaking English "well" or "very well" is lower in New York City.

Observation 21.
The weather here is ridiculous, but every day the same. It rains extremely hard at night, drizzles in the morning, clears up by noon and is gorgeous until the sun goes down. This works out perfectly with my schedule :)

So about my day, then.
I had been planning today's journey since my third day, I just needed to build up a weeks worth of mental preparation before I did it. I was going to hike all the way up to the top of Heiligenberg, the mountain which defines Eastern Heidelberg's Northern Border. On top of Heiligenberg are some ruin sites, and at its base is one of the most famous streets in all of Heidelberg, the Philosophenweg.

I wasn't that rushed this morning and got myself ready for the hike and took the bus into town. The hike starts with the Philosophenweg, named as such because University of Heidelberg students used to walk along it to do all their pondering, since its view of the city is pretty breathtaking. One thing people kept warning me and that I couldn't quite fathom was just how much uphill I would be walking. It was all fine and I made it to the top of the Philosophenweg and Heiligenberg in an hour or so, and I wasn't all that tired when I was done, until someone told me just how much I had walked- something like two miles. I felt kind of proud of myself but then my legs gave way on hearing it and I had to sit and rest for an hour.
Along the walk there are maybe three stops to view the city at different angles, a biergarden (obviously), and trails that branch off to lead to all the towns around the mountain. The ruins themselves at the top of the trail were pretty cool- there was an old monastery from the 1500s next to which a large (much newer) tower had been built (I felt like Rocky when I got to the top), an enormous amphitheater built under the Third Reich, and on the other side a huge Basilica from 1100 wiith two towers. The amphitheater was pretty cool I guess, until I spoke to some Americans I had done part of the hike with, and one of them excitedly shouted "Can you believe it? The big man himself walked on this stage!" Not wanting to hear Hitler so enthusiastically referred to as "the big man," I decided that was my cue to exit and I plopped on down the hill (It was actually far easier to walk uphill for me. Walking downhill hurt my toes).

I had yet another terrible culinary disappointment at the end of the day- Halfway up the Philosophenweg there is a small concession stand. As I passed, I saw, emblazoned in chalk, "WURST, €2.00." As we know, I just wanted some damn sausage so I enthusiastically forked over a €2 coin and began to slobber as I anticipated the crown jewel of my trip... and then the man at the counter handed me a salami sandwich. Okay, to be fair it was a fantastic salami sandwich. The bread was crispy and the meat was well seasoned, but as an American tourist, how am I supposed to know that Wurst refers to any pressed chopped meat!? Until tomorrow, I suppose.

I guess this doesn't sound like much but I was walking for maybe 3 hours, and I hit some of Heidelberg's most famous sights. All in all it was pretty sweet (maybe bittersweet, damn salami) day.

Lastly I wanted to post my daily-ish schedule to show that it's (marginally) possible to work a 12 hour night shift and go sightseeing simultaneously.
7:30PM: Wake up, shower, eat breakfast
8:00PM: Begin night shift
12:00AM: Eat lunch
4:00AM: Eat afternoon snack
8:00AM (Ideally, usually closer to 9): End night shift
9:00AM-ish: Nap
2:00PM-ish: Wake up, get dressed, go sightseeing (The bus leaves at either 1:40 or 2:40)
5:00PM-ish: Eat dinner
6:00PM-ish: Return and sleep

The reason why I call the longer rest period my nap and the shorter one my sleep is because, as you probably know, I really like to eat, and my body seems to be more focused on my eating schedule than on my sleeping schedule. I consider my day as beginning when I have breakfast food, and when I wake up at 7:30, I usually have a bowl of yogurt and an apple. Also, I sleep way deeper and feel way more rested after my "sleep" than I do after my "nap."

Until later today,

-Ryan